Warning Raw and Personal!! Read with caution…
I have been on the most painful journey of my life to reclaim my voice that was stolen from me when I was 5 years old in shocking sexual abuse trauma. This has been the biggest violation to my little girl and some- thing that made the innocence of my inner child so deeply traumatised. I couldn’t be in my body and I didn’t feel safe in this world, I couldn’t understand and compute how another human being could possibly do that to a child. I could not tell anyone , and tried to bury it by simply forgetting it.Sometimes we can do this and it may seem like it’s serving us but in truth your body doesn’t forget and your heart doesn’t forget.
Anyway so this piece of my childhood checked out the door , leaving me always a bit guarded, never fully letting love in, not fully trusting. Deeply afraid and anxious. Always running from my life, creating chaos and drama everywhere I went. Trapped in self created patterns of avoidance , self destructive behaviours and addictions. Unable to take full responsibility of my life. Struggling to feel grounded and to be able to be who I was truly born to be in the world. Always dreaming.
Never anchoring to staying in one place long enough to see my plans through. Some say your word is your bond, but what happens when your bond between you and you is broken, you can’t commit to you , therefore how can you possibly commit to anyone outside you. You can’t fully love yourself, instead you carry shame, guilt , anger and resentment as your allies. Keeping the burden of your pain alone inside. Always pretending everything is ok. Always being the strong one and yet inside you falling apart. Somedays you feel Cursed and Doomed to be lost in the abyss of chaos and emotional turbulence. In hindsight I now realise that my life was only teaching deep compassion for myself and others. I know exactly why I went through all of this and why I came to heal this within myself and for so many more who have been traumatised as a child or carry deep pain within that is stopping from fully being in this life.
My voice was such a gift for me, I used to sing like a sweet little bird in front of the whole church congregation with my grandmother every Saturday at church in the village, she was a devoted Seventh day Adventist Queen and Matriarch. A fiercely loving and compassionate women. She always made me feel safe and so I sang with her a lot. I sang mostly songs about Jesus loving me.But one day a darkness descended on me after the trauma and I never sang again, sometimes occasionally in the privacy of my own space but always there was a fear masquerading as a judgement and shame.
A deep sadness buried in my little heart. In the end it just became painful to sing and I associated the power of my voice with pain. I couldn’t speak up either and I didn’t grow up seeing many women speak up for themselves either, You could not stand up for yourself without being cut down sometimes especially by other women.It was a sign of respect to politely accept suppression of your feminine gifts , your expres- sion, your voice and even sometimes your beauty.. I know this is not our true culture as Africans, A phenomena happened to me just before I changed my name to Nehanda , the days leading up to that I was going through a very powerful Kinesiology healing with a dear sister Pam Ella Hall, a very powerful healer and sensitive soul who at the time was so attuned to her gift of sensitivity that she was able to hear my grandfather’s soul that was around me. She stopped the healing and asked my grandfather can share a message. And he said “My child I am so sorry I suppressed you and the feminine in our family.
I now know that is not is not love and this is not truth.I burst into tears and knew Pam couldn’t be making it up , he And he was a religious man , a devoted christian and always stood for integrity, honour and truth. This message cut through a layer of my heart and I cried so deeply and knew it was time to release this pain and free my voice..To find my truth. My Power and my essence. For I knew I had the blessings of my ancestors behind me.
Nehanda Nyanda Rusere
Healer, Coach, Visionary, Art Model, Dancer, Storyteller and Teacher of the Mystical
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