So what do women really want in a man?
Is it the size of his bank balance? The perfect body and looks? How popular he is? Or how funny? Or being the centre of attention?
These things have attraction at a certain level, but they are not what quality women find MOST attractive in a man.
In this article, I explain the top five mistakes that men commonly make with women, as well as the top five things that quality women find irresistible in a man.
We’ll start with the mistakes.
The Top Mistakes Men Make With Women
#1 Being Needy
I spent many years being very needy around women. In the rare times I found myself in a conversation with a woman I was attracted to, I’d say something or do something that came across as needy (because it was!) and she’d move on pretty quickly to find someone else to talk to.
Women can pick up your neediness in an instant. It’s an energy thing. If you’re feeling needy, she’ll feel that about you and it will turn her off.
Women find neediness very unattractive.
Some of the things men do with women that are needy include showing impatience for sex, apologising unnecessarily, being uncomfortable with eye contact, talking or laughing nervously to fill the silence, belittling themselves, talking about themselves a lot to try and impress her.
Neediness is desire for approval. Need for validation.
Women respond to the way you make them feel. The great thing about this is you can change the way she feels.
Later in this article, I’ll explain the five things you need to focus on as a man to help her feel great about you, rather than seeing you as needy.
#2 Not Listening
Some time ago a female friend of mine shared with me her frustration at meeting men that hadn’t understood the importance of listening. She talked about one guy in particular who she spent a few weeks with while travelling. My friend described how in the whole time she spent with him, he did not once ask a question about her. He only talked about himself.
A lot of men struggle to understand the importance of listening, because many of us have been trained to problem-solve. We also often make the mistake that we need to tell women how amazing we are so they’ll be impressed!
But a woman will be far more impressed by your ability to listen deeply to her.
When she sees you know how to listen, she’ll feel more safe with you, attracted to you, and feel that you’re someone she’d like to spend more time with.
Be more interested in her than trying to be interesting to her.
#3 Objectifying Her
A woman will want a man to show an interest in her as a human being as well as in her body. Even if it’s a casual connection, it will be important to her that she feels respected by him.
Men often fail to understand this and show impatience for sex, which is needy and objectifies her.
In the early dating stages, focus on getting to know her as a person, rather than trying to get her into bed. There are pick-up businesses that teach men how to “get sex on the first date”. And yes, it is possible to have sex on the first date. But making that the focus is missing the point.
I suggest to men that they go out on the first date with no expectation for sex. (This is also a great tip for men in relationships where your partner is feeling pressured by you for sex, and has lost interest as a result).
If you come across as needy for sex, it’s going to turn her off. She’ll also feel unsafe with you.
Focus on getting to know her rather than on your desire for the outcome of sex. When a woman feels that a man is not needy for sex, she finds that very attractive. It will you set you apart from the countless men she’ll have experienced who are impatient for sex with her.
#4 Being the ’nice guy’
A lot of men make the mistake of being the ‘nice guy’. Being a ‘gentleman’ to women. These men try and seduce women with their niceness. Although women may be just as polite and nice back to them, it generally won’t lead to romantic interactions.
Nice guys also often have the frustrating experience of seeing women they want to be with going for other guys who are pushy. They remain sexually frustrated and lonely and can then make the mistake of trying to be more pushy to get what they want.
Success with women is not about being pushy. Fortunately there’s a much healthier alternative to generate attraction, that doesn’t involve being either the nice guy or the arsehole.
This healthier alternative involves relating to women with presence, integrity, and vulnerability. Further below I explain how a man can do this.
#5 Believing The Lies
It’s a sad truth that the images and messages most of us were bombarded with from a young age support the lies about what women find most attractive in men.
As men, we’ve been fed a lot of bullshit about what women find most attractive – looks, size of bank balance, social status, being funny, etc. Yes these things do have attraction at a certain level, but they are not the main deal. There are some fundamental qualities you can cultivate in yourself as a man, that are far more attractive to quality women than money, looks, etc.
One of the mistakes men make is to focus on looks, money, popularity, etc as the number one priorities. They put a lot of time in at the gym, buy expensive brand clothes, place a huge focus on making money, and spend a great deal of energy keeping up the appearance of being popular.
But this story never ends happily. A woman who goes for a man because of his looks, money, or fame, will never be truly satisfied. It won’t be a healthy relationship. She’ll either leave him eventually for a man who can offer her the things that she really needs in order to live a fulfilling life. Or if she chooses to stay with him, it will be a miserable and superficial relationship.
If you want healthy relationships with women, focus instead on cultivating the qualities needed to be the kind of man that women are yearning for. We’re about to explore what these qualities are and how you can cultivate them.
Now that we’ve clarified the mistakes men make with women, let’s look at what a man should do instead.
What To Do Instead
There are five qualities you can cultivate within yourself that will greatly increase your attractiveness to amazing women.
The most important of these is presence.
Presence is the most attractive quality to women. As David Deida states in his book The Way Of The Superior Man: “Women are most turned on by a man’s depth of presence.”
So what is presence? And what does it mean to have depth of presence?
Presence is a meditative quality of awareness that has no neediness in it.
Presence is conveyed most strongly through the eyes. When you see a woman you desire – whether it’s at a workshop, festival, retreat, yoga class, a bar, club, on the street, or elsewhere – the first thing is to make eye contact. Hold gentle but clear eye contact when you first see her as well as when you’re in conversation with her. When you’re constantly looking away from her, it sends a message that you’re not comfortable with yourself, which is a turn off for her.
When you are able to be relaxed and comfortable in yourself as you interact with a woman you’re attracted to, she will feel her whole being flooded with your presence, which is what she’s yearning for. She will absolutely love it and will be really turned on.
How can you stand before her so she’s feeling lit up about you before you’ve even said a word?
If you struggle with this, you’re normal. It also indicates there’s work for you to do on yourself to address whatever’s stopping you from feeling relaxed. Some things that help men to cultivate the quality of presence include working through unresolved past trauma (ideally with a qualified therapist), cultivating your masculine energy through physical challenge, and having good men around you who add value to your life.
Take action. Don’t procrastinate. Taking action gives you purpose, and women are attracted to men who are purposeful.
Women find it very attractive when a man has a strong sense of purpose about him. This translates to how he holds himself, speaks, and interacts with her. His purposefulness gives him a sexy and authentic confidence.
A man who’s purposeful is not just floating around in the world. He has something bigger than himself that he’s pursuing. He’s devoted to offering his talents and abilities to better humanity in his own unique way. This may involve running a business in his particular niche area, or being an employee of an organisation that is doing work in the world that matches his vision.
So many guys focus entirely on their woman in a relationship when they’re in one. While it might be initially enjoyable to her to be the object of his entire attention, sooner or later she will find his obsession needy. She will feel like she can get him to do whatever she wants. And that’s a turn off for her.
However when a woman meets a purposeful man, she knows she can’t just wrap him around her finger. When she sees that his vision and passion are very important to him, this is very attractive to her because it gives her the feeling that he’s not needy for her.
If you’re in the position of being unclear about what your purpose is, don’t worry! So long as you’re clearly making efforts to pursue a purposeful life, a woman will find that attractive, because you’re showing her that you’re committed to living a life with a big vision. She’ll feel confident that you’re not self-obsessed because you clearly value something bigger than yourself and you’re pursuing that.
The main thing is to keep exploring until you get clarity on what you want to do in the world that lights you up.
What is integrity? To me it means a number of things, including: caring about the impact on others of the words I say and actions I take; following through on commitments I make (to both myself and others); having alignment between what I say and what I do; and being 100% honest, upfront, and transparent in all areas of my life.
Many men struggle to be completely upfront and transparent in their life, and particularly in their romantic lives. If you’re keeping secrets from women you’re involved with romantically, whatever you’re hiding is going to come out sooner or later. A lot of harm comes from a situation where truths are being hidden.
Women value integrity highly in a man. When you give her your word and don’t stick to it, how do you think that makes her feel? She’ll lose trust in you. Which will cause her to lose respect. Without trust and respect, no healthy relationship of any form can be possible.
If you show her that your actions match your words, her trust and respect for you will deepen and deepen over time.
Cultivate integrity and build this power within yourself.
When you make commitments, follow them through. Be upfront and transparent at all times, even if it means missing out on opportunities for sex. Be 100% authentic at all times, without putting on masks to hide behind.
Most of us men grew up with a stoic model of masculinity. Expressing your feelings was frowned upon and seen to be a feminine trait. So we bottled our feelings down and “toughened up”.
But we were fed a lie.
Vulnerability is not weakness. It’s a sign of strength. It’s the courage to show all of yourself. And women find that very attractive.
A woman will feel much safer opening up with you when she sees that you’re able to connect with her emotionally. That you are comfortable with emotions and that she knows she can express her emotions with you, without you getting upset or distant.
So how do you become comfortable with vulnerability? Try sharing something with women that you wouldn’t normally share. If it helps, share this with a friend first. If you have resistance to this it will be because you’re worried about what people will think of you, which is exactly what you need to let go of in order to be truly vulnerable.
You need to own the tougher parts of your story and share them with the world. It’s what makes you authentic and human. Be honest about what you’ve struggled with, why you’ve struggled with that, how you’re going with working through it, and what forms of support you’re accessing to help with your growth.
Vulnerability is essential to having true and authentic confidence with women.
#5 Sexual Confidence
There are two common mistakes a man can make in his interactions with a woman. One is to hide his desire for her out of fear of being seen as a predator. This can lead to her seeing him more as a friend than a potential romantic partner. This is the way of the ‘nice guy’.
The other mistake he can make is to be pushy with his sexual desire. Making regular glances at her boobs and other body parts, talking about sex early on in the interaction, saying things that objectify her, and trying to push things towards the bedroom as soon as possible. In the majority of cases, this will cause her to feel unsafe and objectified.
Put aside both nice guy as well as pushy approaches. If you’re reading this you’re already showing you’re ready to relate to women more authentically.
There’s a healthier alternative, which is to make sure she feels both safe and turned on at the same time. Help her feel safe by being 100% honest and upfront with her about who you are and what you’re looking for. Turn her on with your depth of presence as a man and confidence in your own integrity and sense of purpose.
What also helps is to own your sexual desire, rather than hide it away or push it upon her. This is the essence of sexual confidence. Practically, this means not trying to bottle away your desire when you’re interacting with a woman, but rather allowing yourself to feel the sexual desire in your body.
It’s not wrong to feel sexual desire for a woman. Where men go wrong is when they get impatient and pushy with it, trying to move things to the bedroom as quickly as possible.
Contrary to what you may have been told, a woman wants to feel your desire. She wants to know that you desire her sexually. So feel your desire for her and enjoy that feeling in your body, but be patient and let her open up to you when she’s ready.
Your patience will pay off.
What you’ve read here are just the basics of what it takes to relate more confidently and authentically with quality women.
If you resonate with this approach, and are ready to dive deeply into doing the work on yourself that is required to create healthy relationships with women, then join us in The Empowered Man Program, and be part of a tribe of good men who are supporting each other to relate to women more confidently and authentically.
To find out if this program is a good fit for what you’re looking for in your life, book your free chat with me now at: https://www.empoweredman.com.au/p/book-your-free-chat
Program info is at: https://www.empoweredman.com.au
I wish you full success in relating to women more confidently and authentically.
Dave McDermott is a Masculine Empowerment Coach with a passion for helping good men relate to women more confidently.
His personal story is one of growing up with sexual repression and working through the effects of that, which led him to deeply explore his own sexuality and masculinity.
Dave runs The Empowered Man program for men and leads workshops and retreats both in Australia and internationally.
Outside these arenas you’ll probably find him surfing a wave around Byron Bay or sitting back with a cup of tea somewhere peaceful.