For many of us establishing a strong and healthy relationship isn’t as easy as you think it would be. Through years of conditioning from things such as romance movies and grand gestures of love going viral on social media many of us believe that if our relationship doesn’t match up, we are missing out or aren’t really loved.
For many of us it takes years or even a lifetime to realise a relationship is not a romance movie!
The perfect fairy tale fantasy we build up in our mind is really a substitute for intimacy. Real, connected, vulnerable intimacy.
So then, how do we make our relationship work, stay healthy and fulfilling?
Here are some ideas to help you create intimacy and a strong relationship.
1 – Be Complete Within Yourself First
Relationships aren’t a merging of souls. Although the ideal of two souls becoming one is a lovely sentiment, healthy relationships are two complete people that choose to share their life together interdependently. You can’t rely on your partner to complete you, only that you feel like a better person by having them in your life and cheering in your corner. Its important to note if you don’t have a good relationship with yourself first, you won’t be able to achieve a deep level of intimacy with your partner.
2 – Be Realistic About Your Partner
It is human nature to want to be loved and be ‘in love’. We search long and hard for that person we believe was made just for us to give us the life we envisioned rather than who they truly are as a person. Take time to make sure you get to know who your partner is throughout your relationship through their hopes, dreams, happiness, issues and faults. If you want to share your life together, you need to know whom you are sharing it with. All of us evolve and change over time and your partner is no different.
3 – Active Listening
Just like your partner isn’t perfect, neither are you. When something upsets us it is easy to point fingers and place blame. Sometimes it’s an issue that your partner can improve on and sometimes it is insecurities that you need to heal within yourself. Either way your partner isn’t a mind reader. Keep open dialogue with your significant other and when they are talking simply…shut up and listen. This will not only make you feel connected but will stop most issues reoccurring.
4 – Time Together
A healthy relationship has quality time together and apart. We all love that feeling of butterflies in the stomach that comes with new love. After a while though many of us slip into a bit of a rut, you become so comfortable with each other that it’s just as easy to sit there watching the television in comfortable silence. It’s fine to zone out with your partner as long as you make time for each other as well, whether it’s a date night, just sitting down and having a proper conversation or sharing some play time. Deep intimacy doesn’t just happen! On the flip side of that you need to have quality time apart. Having your own interests makes you a more complete person and will in turn strengthen your relationship. Encouraging this within your relationship will not only give you your own identity and a sense of fulfillment but will be a source of interesting conversation. There is nothing sexier than seeing your partner happy and watching them talk about experiences they are passionate about.
5 – Sometimes a Fight Isn’t What It Seems
All couples have issues but we have all either been in a relationship or know a couple that seem to fight and make up again and again. In some cases it’s just a simple fact that they shouldn’t be together and in some cases creating separateness with romantic drama allows them to avoid real intimacy. If you look at what you really fear about intimacy, whether it’s possibly being vulnerable or your true self being rejected, you’ll have a better sense of why you’re fighting and maybe fight far less.
 
6 – Be Authentic
As much as we all like to believe we are being authentic, we all have personas that we adapt to get us through different situations. I have businesswoman, friend, mother, sister and daughter in me just to name a few.
 
We also start off with a first date persona and as a relationship moves forward you strip away the persona as you become more comfortable. A strong intimate relationship does this until your both at the core of your true selves. Embrace the faults and fabulousness.
 
7 – Giving is Receiving
People are commonly confused when it comes to true happiness. We mistake ‘happiness’ when we believe other people love us however it is more about how well we have loved ourselves and how well we have loved others. Self-love and that of others is the true key to being able to offer our partner a complete person, as you are then better able to receive love!
 
We all want to feel loved in a relationship but simply ‘giving IS receiving. It doesn’t matter whether it’s simple small acts of love or grand gestures, the inner glow you will feel from making them happy combined with them feeling cherished will all foster a deeper closeness between you.
 
8 – Ordinary Isn’t Ordinary
Most of us can’t maintain the whirlwind of romance and dates on the town that can accompany new relationships. Reality is at some point the dust will settle and fear kicks in believing life will become ordinary and boring. Due to that many some people try to avoid it as long as they can hop in and out of relationships. The truth is the ordinary day-to-day life with your partner is usually when a new level of intimacy actually begins. Sharing your life with someone can, and does, become extraordinary. Simple acts like waking up next to each other or having a cuddle on the couch while you read a book or watch a movie can fill your heart with joy and a genuine sense of closeness. Take the time to appreciate the little things in your relationship that matter to you.
 
9 – Honesty About Sex
 
As much as a relationship isn’t just about sex, it is a very vital component of a healthy relationship. Although tender missionary sex has it’s place, most of us have desires and fantasies that run deeper. It is important to have a honest discussion with your partner about what you like, would like to try and what you are not open to trying. If you want this conversation to really work it has to be free of judgment by both parties, free to be open about what you would like to happen and free to be able to politely decline things that you are uncomfortable with. This isn’t a one-time conversation! Just like every other component of your life this may evolve over time. Many of us as we age become more curious about trying new things just as with experience we may have tried something and decided it’s not for us, and never want to try it again.
 
There is a unique feeling of connection with your partner through sex and its called ‘intimacy’.
 
Not having the fairy tale relationship you imagined does not mean you don’t get the happily ever after. Building intimacy with your partner is based on trust, communication, love and respect, which create the greatest story of all, your love story.
 
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