Why a man disconnected from his “being-ness” cannot possibly be a great lover…
For a long time, I wondered around blind, clueless as to what created attraction or attributed to great sex. It just kind of happened or didn’t happen.
Throughout my years working as an escort I very quickly came to learn that the vast majority of men, in spite of their best efforts, had no clue as to what women wanted in bed. I can also say, with a guilty conscious that I left them never the wiser. After all, I had their ego and credit cards to contend with. My job, as I understood it, was to smile prettily, to tell them what a beautiful cock they had, fain orgasm, and top up my bank account.
The truth was most men left me bored and unsatisfied. But every once in a while I would come across a needle in the laystack, a very rare man would take me somewhere a little different, and I’d notice that my arousal had taken a life of its own, I’d feel full, content and opened.
If back then you had asked me to dissect it, I wouldn’t have been able to explain it. All I knew was that it had nothing to do with looks or age, and everything to do with a je ne sais quoi.
This all changed when I learnt about the power of ‘being-ness’ and ‘doing-ness’. These two contradictory super powers that we all have access to but most don’t know how to use. This discovery was a paradigm-shifter.
Armed with this knowledge, I could turn attraction on and off at will, and I could access ‘being-ness’ and ‘doing-ness’ distinctly to serve different means. I could even integrate the two and enjoy the best of both worlds simultaneously.
Let me explain; for the sake of enquiry lets presuppose for a moment that all humans are made of two parts of an equation; Being-ness and Doing-ness.
The qualities of ‘Doing-ness’ shows up in humans as decisive leadership, attention towards the external world, sharp penetrative focus, action, goal orientation, logical rationale, control and boundaries.
The qualities of ‘Being-ness’ shows up in contrast to the ‘Doing-ness; it’s the part in humans that looks more like a going within, our sensuality, our sensitivity, our deep well of feeling, intuition and imagination. A boundary-less flow, a flexible surrender, in acceptance and receptivity to what is.
Another way to distinguish these two very different expressions could be by looking at the parasympathetic system and the sympathetic system. The parasympathetic nervous system is our place of restore and replenish; rest and relax, the sympathetic system is the part of us that activates fight, flight or fuck, sending us on alert.
I, like many, many women find a man in his ‘doing-ness’ powerful. When I see a man making things happen, focused on getting shit done, when he looks at me with penetrative focus, when he takes the lead it completely does it for me. IF I sense I can trust him (and this is a big IF) I respond by softening, by surrendering a little more, by receiving him, I instinctively move into my own deliciousness being-ness and I start to FEEL more! Most men strive to be in this heroic energy. From a place of doing-ness a man can provide, he can protect and achieve, he has value.
Our western world heralds the qualities of doing-ness; – think – do – achieve; seems to be the motto we have been fed, anything outside of that is with little worth. Being-ness, is only allowed if it’s absolutely necessary as a form of rest, or, as a reward, in a form of receptivity.
I have noticed that most men don’t allow themselves to delve into the world of being-ness. They think being-ness is allowable in children, and attractive in women, but no place for a “real man”!
The men who naturally express themselves from a place of being-ness and aren’t so successful in their doing-ness, tend to feel inferior, and ashamed of their disposition. They feel unseen and undervalued, whilst the Doing men steal the show, and get the girl… well, kinda.
The irony is that when it comes to creating a rich and fulfilling sexual experience, one that is true to our sexual potential, it is mostly about being-ness and less about doing-ness.
The majority of men that I have met, have, on some level turned sex into a sport. They’ve watched porn, and taken down notes, analysing which “moves” they perceived to work best, and how to choreograph their way towards victory by providing her with an earth shattering orgasm, and then observing and directing themselves through their playbook, rather than actually being in the experience.
A technically good lover can certainly lead a woman to orgasm, and before I go into talking about the importance of harnessing this ‘Being-ness’ energy, I want to thank such men, on behalf of all women for how hard they have tried, how much effort they have put in and for the yummy orgasms we have received as a result.
The thing is, that you could have done all of this and still not be a GREAT lover, because doing-ness alone can only ever create superficial or unsustainable outcomes. As we will find out, both man and woman will miss out on so much if Being-ness is left behind.
If you can relate to any of the following experiences, you are likely to be disconnecting from your ‘Being-ness’ essence…
- During sex you find that you are preoccupied with how you are performing, invariably leading to a busy mind and moments of self-judgment and insecurity. You use your partner’s responsiveness as an evaluative gauge. As a result women feel pressured to also perform, to pretend they are enjoying sex more than they actually are. If a woman senses a man’s need for validation, if his self-worth rests on her orgasm, it will create a goal orientated experience for her too. This pressure creates stress and shut down, taking her further away from her genuine pleasure and surrender.
- You find it difficult to read women. You’re never sure if your advances are welcome, if you should make a move, wait, or hold back all together. As a result you unwittingly offend, put off side or hold back and ultimately your desired one looses interest.
This happens because receptivity and sensitivity live within the world of being- ness. Without it you miss out on the power of your intuition; your gut hunches, your hearts wisdom.
- You don’t experience as much sexual pleasure as you once did. You notice that you have become desensitised and it now a greater stimulus to get turned on. Novelty and extreme experiences become necessary to achieve the same level of arousal that was first experienced in your youth. This is because without the qualities of ‘Being-ness’ there can be no, or little connection to sensations and feelings. Recall that being-ness (for the purpose of this article) is our connection to our internal world and the connection to our body.
- Perhaps you have become so reliant on the mind and dissociated with the internal workings of the body that you experience premature ejaculation or erectile concerns. The more acute the disconnection from ‘Being-ness’ the more commonly such issues are to present.You rarely feel your feeling and life takes on a monotone flavour. You’re numbness leads to boredom a disenchanted experience of life.
- You rarely feel your feeling and life takes on a monotone flavour. You’re numbness leads to boredom a disenchanted experience of life. You rely on women, drugs or peak experiences to enliven you because the day to day is plagued by dullness. When you do feel something you find yourself uneasy and prefer to distract yourself from it. You may even, on the od occasion erupt with anger or drop into grief, but on the most part you keep your feeling under wraps.
- You associate sex with hard work and feel pressured by the thought of sex with another at a time when you are tired and overworked. This can lead to feeling insufficient if his partner wants more sex than you do. Relaxed, lazy, receptive sex isn’t an option for you, for you sex requires you to ‘bring it’ and can therefore at times feel like a chore.
Entering the world of Beingness…
To enter the world of being requires courage; the courage to let go of the need to be validated by your providership and to know that you are enough, as you are, even if you aren’t doing anything!
It requires connection to self, which involves vulnerability. Letting go of the control of wearing a mask and presenting a front. A disconnection from our truth as we adapt our behaviour to display what we think others desire from us. A strategy designed to avoid rejection and protect our self-image.
To be willing to let go of your mind and venture into the unknown, to let go of control and allow what ever feelings might be hiding within.
It requires the courage to say “Fuck it” to all of the conditioning we have been fed about what a ‘real’ man is, and to look within at all the passion we have suppressed, because ‘boys don’t cry” and “anger is unbecoming” and in doing so returning to our naturalness, wholeness and liberated power.
I have twice now, had the deep privilege of journeying with groups of such brave explorers; Men who had been doing work on themselves for years and where now ready to enter the uncharted territory of their hearts.
A five day intensive venturing into their vulnerability, their world of feeling and sensual flow. The resistance these men felt was palpable. I could almost hear their thoughts, ‘can I wrestle a tiger instead?’ The course was ‘Dancing Eros for men’ which required no dancing but rather movement, breath, sound and a willingness to feel. As an assistant I could see the constraint, shallow breathing, rigid tight muscle and stillness as opposed to flow.
“I don’t feel anything” some men would say, “That’s exciting! The facilitator would respond, behind numbness lies A LOT!”
Over the course of the 5 days, one by one these man cracked open as they began to feel things they had suppressed for years; rage, grief, shame. For many a discombobulating and unsettling experience…. Followed by a sense of the deepest, most satisfying relief. A liberation that has been stolen from men by a culture that demands them to be “human doings, instead of human beings”, a culture that objectifies them by the size of their wallet and their masculine prowess. A culture that classes their tears and joy as “gay”.
Twenty men who had walked on Friday evening as separate, competitive and guarded, now connected by a brotherly kinship, unified by an acceptance of their whole humanity unlike any they’d experienced before.
Finally an access to both the magnetic aliveness of their Being-ness and the virility of their Doing-ness. Not less of a man, but more of a human.
A world without this being-ness is a world lost of its sensitivity. A dried up desert deprived of its joy. What I have called ‘Being-ness and ‘Doing-ness’ is referred to as Yin and Yan by the Daoists and Masculine’ and ‘Feminine’ by the Tantrics. I have purposely created a new terminology to create a freshness and open mindedness in your experience as the reader. These energies are not ancient mysticism or binary experiences belonging to gender. They are possible ways to explore our expression in our modern world.
What ever you want to call it, be it the feminine, Yin or the colour purple doesn’t really matter. Its half of the whole and not something separate to you. I dare you to open up Pandora’s box, and peer within.
Alejandra Nicolazzo is a sexuality and intimacy coach specialising in sexual empowerment for men and couples. Her approach combines traditional coaching methodology, experiential embodiment and the magic of tantric practice.
She sees the deep beauty in human imperfection and is an advocate for full self-expression and self love. http://www.alejandranicolazzo.com/