How can we date differently without going to the complete opposite, because opposites can get us caught in something equally disappointing or heartbreaking.
Which part of you wants to put yourself out there? The part that is ready, or the lonely part?
Follow this checklist to your resourced and confident self!
- Learn the specific definition of abuse. Don’t waver from believing it when you see it in any form. Don’t wait for ‘proof’.
- Be clear on what is unacceptable. Think about past relationships. Write specifically on what’s not okay.
- Do you have boundary setting skills? If not, see a skilled psychotherapist, who works with the unconscious and the conscious, so you don’t get tripped up.
- Don’t worry about what other people think is ‘right’. Follow where you are at.
- Trust yourself. Moving on is not about trusting someone else. When you trust yourself and don’t ignore your quiet self, then you can discern who to trust and when.
- Take your time. Are you ready to date? Take your time to get to know someone.
- Follow your instinct.
- When you feel scared or lonely, write uncensored, talk to a friend, see a skilled professional. Don’t do impulse dating.
- Do they ask about you or just talk about themselves? Do they just question about you, and don’t share about themselves? Too much either way is a red flag.
- Reflect on the verbal and non-verbal messages you received from your parents relationship about love, being a man/women and conflict.
- Don’t be swayed by charm or sad stories.
- Don’t get sexual too soon, so you think clearly without merging energies.
- A skilful way of uncovering your limiting, unconscious beliefs is write out your biggest fear. Don’t worry if it sounds silly or irrational. Keep writing to find out the unconscious belief about you or love inside that fear.
- Be yourself straight away. They are going to find out sooner or later, so be you from the start.
- Be willing to say ‘no’. Saying ‘yes’ is safer and deeper when you have access to ‘no’.
- Write what you want to do in your next relationship. Start doing them by yourself and with friends! Don’t wait for ‘him/her’ to live the life you want.
- Write a list of the qualities, attitudes and values you want in a partner. Discover someone’s character, not their interests. Be very specific.
- Build emotional muscle. Get out of your comfort zone in other areas of your life. This allows healthy risk-taking. Be vulnerable. All important relationship skills, because dating and relationships are a risk, and stepping into the unknown, can be a roller coaster to find your match.
- Date in a variety of environments. Watch how they are in different settings and towards others.
- Ask the questions you want to ask. Relationships are so important, yet we ask more questions when we buy a car. Contact me for my list of suggested questions for deep conversations.
Anita Bentata is a Survivor, Author, Professional Speaker, Trauma Psychotherapist, Retreat, Workshop, Group facilitator, and Trainer.
She can be found on FB The Wolf in a Suit and IG Anita Bentata
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