“Male and female represent the two sides of the great radical dualism. But in fact they are perpetually passing into one another. Fluid hardens to solid, solid rushes to fluid. There is no wholly masculine man, no purely feminine woman.” – Margaret Fuller
2 weeks ago, I journeyed through a 4 day retreat called “Eros of The Masculine”, to develop a deeper understanding of my relationship with the Masculine. Masculine and Feminine energies have been an area of passion for me to discover more of over the last 5-6 years. It all started when my husband and I headed to separate bedrooms and our relationship was literally on the brink of breakup. This discovery did not only save our relationship but also ignited my passion to help couples breakthrough their relationship barriers and create the relationship dream they desire.
In August last year, I started my journey of ‘Dancing Eros’ which taught me about the embodiment of Feminine energy. The level of permission and freedom that I experienced was just phenomenal and it’s definitely something I strongly recommend for anyone to do. One of the biggest highlights of the course for me was the level of connection that I experienced within myself as well as my husband (who also did the ‘Dancing Eros for Men’). I will share more about my Dancing Eros journey in another article.
In this article, I want to dedicate this space for something uniquely special – My journey to my inner Masculine.
Where do I even begin?
For those who are new to this concept of Masculine vs. Feminine energies, here is a quick snap shot:
If you look around, Masculine (Yang) and Feminine (Yin) energies are everywhere. The sun and the moon, forest/trees and ocean/water, day and night, hard and soft, predator and prey, black and white, hot and cold, movement and rest, outward and inward, male and females and so on.
Masculine is often identified as being ‘male’ whereas Feminine is identified with females. The truth is these two energies are not gender specific. We all have both these forces within us. Men can show traits and qualities of Feminine energies such as feelings, understanding, nurturing etc. Females on the other hand can be the bread winners, make decisions, lead, etc. The polarity of these energies is what creates passion and attraction in relationships.
Most of us don’t understand the energies or how to harness their power. I don’t think anyone can truly 100% master these energies because as part of our evolution, as we continue to grow and change, our power, our forces also magnify and allow us to go into more depth within ourselves.
When I started my journey at the beginning of the retreat, I shared my intention with the class which was:
My pattern used to be swinging from one extreme to another. I either do the ‘push, push, push’, or feel exhausted and ‘zombie-out’ on the couch. There was no ‘harmony’ within myself, no integration between the two extremes. It was like they existed in two different spaces within me. My intention for the retreat was to deeper understand my relationship with Men in general, to master my relationship with my inner Masculine so that I can hold, support and be my own rock. I want to create this inner union, this inner marriage within myself.
Maybe you can resonate with what I say to some extent. For many of us, we either do this ‘pendulum swing’ on a daily basis or we completely shut down one energy (whichever we identify as ‘weak’). For instance, a lot of men grow up being told to ‘toughen up’, and end up associating their Feminine energy as ‘weak’, they don’t allow themselves to sit in their feelings or express emotions. They associate being a ‘manly man’ or being masculine as having muscles, money, success or being aggressive in life etc. This can be the stereotypical vision of what makes a man, however, it’s an endless game to pursue these external things because you can’t develop a healthy masculine energy without accessing your feminine base. It’s like trying to build a house on a very shitty foundation. It doesn’t matter how flashy the house looks from the outside, it will eventually collapse.
The same for Feminine energy is also true. You can’t sustain feminine energy without the masculine support. I look at feminine energy like water and masculine energy is like a cup. Life without masculine energy is like water without a cup to hold, there is no structure, support, form, guidance, success etc. We as society would not have survived without masculine energy. Life itself would not have been beautiful and fulfilling without feminine energy. Our society rewards Masculine energy more and we unconsciously shame Feminine energy. Women learn that they have to be Masculine to succeed in the workplace. At the same time, we shame men if they show emotions or feelings. The thinking that a person should be solely just feminine or masculine is distorted and unrealistic. To constantly expect a man to be all ‘masculine’ or to expect a woman to just be ‘feminine’ is to expect them to be anything else but human.
This quest for the integration of the Masculine and Feminine has become more and more common amongst men and women. I’ve had the privilege of meeting so many beautiful men who want to get more in touch with their Feminine energy and so many women who want to channel Masculine energy in a way that is healthy & resourceful.
We need to honour both of these energies, especially within ourselves as well as within others. We need to remove expectations on men and women to be a certain way. Seeing men and women as whole and complete as they are, accepting them for ALL that they are and what they choose to become.
Most people go through their lives searching for someone to make them feel ‘complete’. They go from one relationship to another, give love and attention with the hope that someone will return that love. When love is not coming back in return, they feel hurt, rejected or abandoned. They then go on another search for the ‘perfect love’ hoping that the next person that comes along will love and accept them for all that they are. They spend years after years searching for someone to fill in the void deep inside their heart. For some, they experience heartbreak after heartbreak, that they put up a wall, lock their heart in chains and swear to never trust in love again. This void, this feeling of emptiness or something is missing will never go away until you start giving yourself the love you desire.
This is where the integration, the union of one’s Masculine and Feminine comes into place. What I realised is that I’ve spent a lot of time learning and understanding about Feminine energy, but without tapping into my Masculine energy, my Feminine energy can only grow so much. Using the analogy of the water and a cup, you can’t contain more water without getting a bigger cup. When we heal our wounds with the Masculine, we heal our inner child and allowing the space for the ‘boy’ within to grow into a more mature man. (Remember: this is not gender specific, we have both of these energies within us). We are the mirror reflection of everything we attract into our lives. The man or men you attract into your life now is a reflection of the relationship you have with your own Masculine energy.
This understanding completely shifted my perspective on men and I have so much compassion for men and what they go through. One of the experiences I had at the retreat, where some women held the space using Masculine energy and a couple of women (including myself) channelled Feminine energy. The dynamics that happened in the group was beyond anything I could logically comprehend. Yet, at an energetic level, everything made perfect sense. Feminine in itself is sooooo powerful and at the time I could feel so much emotion and pain within my body. As someone who gets in touch with Feminine energy quite regularly, I couldn’t handle that much energy in my body. Masculine is often associated with power and strength yet, I personally think Feminine is equally as powerful. Think about water, how serene it can be at times and how much chaos and destruction that also comes with. No wonder at times men are shit-scared when women get angry.
For many of us women, we don’t tap into our power because we often associate it with weakness. For many of us, there are still a lot of feminine wounds that we have not yet healed. There are so many parts of us that we have not yet loved, reclaimed or appreciated. Yet, we expect men/people to come into our lives and do that for us. Like I said earlier, until you heal yourself, both your Feminine and Masculine sides, you will continue to attract into your lives, people that represent those parts of yourself you have disowned. The will trigger you, piss you off, annoy you, terrifies you, makes you feel sad/angry/resentful etc…all of these are signals that you need to start owning these reflections within yourself.
For me personally, I got to deal with my ‘father wounds’, who represented all the aggressors in my life. I had to let go of the relationship with my father that I couldn’t have when I was growing up. I had to let go of being the victim and unconsciously waiting for his approval to fully live my life. I had to let go of my expectations towards men and fully accept them for all that they are. I had to let go of my need to be ‘rescued’ and start taking responsibility for more things in my life. All that I looked for in men was already within myself, I just needed to look within. ‘He’ (the Masculine within me) was there all along but I was too busy to notice ‘him’. I had to come to peace within myself, with the relationship I had with men as well as women. I get to see the men in all the women as the women in all the men. I get to appreciate the shadows as much as the light, the flow as much as the push. I get to appreciate the struggles as much as the wins. I get to recognise and acknowledge the human-ness in each of us, with love and compassion.
p.s. To all the men out there that are reading this, THANK YOU…for your presence, your patience, your love, support, holding and at times challenges that you bring into our lives. Please continue to keep showing up in our lives just the way that you are…to love and witness us (Feminine) in all our chaos and passion…Because without you, life would be so fucking boring!!!!!!
Jane Nguyen Author, Speaker, Transformational Dating & Relationship Coach, NLP Practitioner and Level 2 Meta Dynamics Consultant
Jane Nguyen empowers strong, independent & powerful women to create the best relationship of their lives. Her clients come from all walks of life, whether it’s about re-inventing themselves after a nasty relationship breakup, wanting to attract a more conscious and loving man into their lives; or wanting to save their relationship from the brink of break up or divorce.
Jane is the ‘go-to girl’ for people who want to experience transformational change in their relationships. Jane comes from a background of a 6-year abusive relationship (both physically & emotionally). After leaving that relationship, Jane devoted many years of her life in the space of personal development to find out the key ingredients to create a successful relationship. Using her signature “Feminine Power” coaching method in her programs, workshops and retreats, Jane teaches women how to tap more into their Feminine essence and shine from the inside out, to attract a man and a relationship that allows them to be all that they can be.
Jane is an author of the book “Honeymoon Forever” which is available at 40 bookstores Australia wide including Dymocks, Collins, Book topia etc. She is also a contributing author of 3 other inspiring books that arm people with the skills and knowledge to be the best version of themselves before theywalk into relationships.