Magazines, books, YouTube and porn are always throwing at us sexual positions that are supposed to be new wiz bang, how great multiple orgasms are and what’s apparently sexy to the opposite sex. It never talks about the mental side of sex. The side that stops us from dating stops us from having sex, why some of us experience physical pain during sex, the biggest one of all that definitely stops us from experiencing an orgasm…shame.
I’ve spent years researching the mental side of sex after reading an article stating that 85% of women don’t experience an orgasm during penetration sex. My reaction; “WTF??!! Are you saying that I’m in the minority? That only 15% of women get enjoyment from the act of sex itself? Shits gotta change!”
I knew instinctually that women saying they couldn’t orgasm like it was a physical defect, was pure and utter garbage but needed to prove that orgasms, or lack of them, was purely in the head. So the research and conversations around sex started with both men & women of all ages.
The amount of women that didn’t know their own anatomy was astounding! Masturbation was as taboo as any word could be and I understood that was due to the fact that as a society norm we are told off for touching our body as a child. We are…shamed! Why do we do this? Touching our body is…normal.
I discovered many women had never experienced an orgasm so were unable to express to their partners what they desired or felt good and just expected men to know their roadmap to pleasure without understanding that every woman’s hot spots is completely different.
Women described sensations experienced which were pre-orgasm, that tingling sensation that sometimes makes you think your going to pee, but they pulled back and shut down these sensations when it happened out of fear, sometimes shame and sometimes the simply unknowing. I asked these women to replace the word masturbation with ‘self pleasure’ and to give it another go with this newfound knowledge and their sexual world blossomed.
I had another woman approach me and chat about how sex post childbirth was extremely painful so she avoided it all costs with the most extensive creative list of excuses I had ever heard. Now granted after childbirth some women have been given 1-2 stitches too many and the vaginal opening is tighter then previously (and this should be checked by a physician) but in a majority of cases what is actually happening is that part of your body has a negative anchor connected to it. It can be soo severe that not just a penis going there is an issue but even a vibrator and tampons are a no go.
What’s actually happening is your unconscious mind has taken over and you are tensing your muscles and trust me, nothing is entering that zone. Now take not that this also extends to those women who have been molested and raped. It’s a safety mechanism.
Our brains are wired to protect us as ALL COSTS.  So I asked her is she had by any chance had sex drunk and enjoyed it. With her answer being yes I knew this was all in the mind and not physical at all. Her unconscious mind was running her vag show. With this new knowledge that nothing was wrong with her, life changed in the bedroom immediately.
Sex is 80% in the mind and 20% in the physical actions.
So no matter if you’re a man or woman if you’re not ‘present’ on the job on-hand, being intimacy, then no matter what anyone does you will never reach orgasm.
Ladies the clitoris is the ONLY human organ created for one purpose and one purpose only…pleasure. So if this is the way we were created (by God many would say), then why are you denying yourself pleasure?
So drop the shame game that society has fed you for experiencing pleasure, forget the kids, forget the chores and to-do list, surrender to the sensations, give yourself permission to experience pleasure, let go and enjoy the ride.
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Melina Macdonald
Intimacy & Adult Product Lifestyle Educator, Author, Speaker Dating & Sex, Love & Intimacy Expert
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