I stopped a cycle being repeated last night.
I was walking around the house picking up toys, making sure the rooms were neat and tidy. I was sorting out the washing between darks and whites, getting ready for Laundry day today. I cleaned out the fridge, looked at all expiration dates and tossed out what didn’t look right, didn’t smell right and didn’t feel right. It wasn’t till I took the bins out that I realised I was living a day ahead. Bin night is tonight, not last night!
I thought if I had a shower (the first one since three days ago) it would help me feel clearer. Instead, it drew me to my emotions. I allowed myself to feel it. I became scared. As I was washing my hair, I could hear my daughter singing along to an Elvis movie. I started to worry about her. Then I realised again; I was thinking about the future.
It wasn’t till bedtime that something clicked. It all came at once. I dropped to my knees. My head fell into my palms. I waited there collecting my thoughts, my heart started beating harder and as I lifted my head, I let out a roar. With my mouth wide open, it was long, it was loud and it was deep. The sound woke up my daughter and she gently sat in front of me, wrapped her tiny hands around me and let me cry it all out.
“You can’t expect a different outcome if you keep doing the same thing.”
My daughter reminded me of a friend to call but it was too late in the evening. I wondered if there was a help line for what I’m going through. And that’s when it hit me. This is a repeated cycle. This is what I do – I call for help. Yet, I already know how to help myself.
I guide so many people to express themselves and find clarity. I guide single parents to embrace their new lifestyle. I guide partnered people to connect with themselves when they want to leave. I guide people to put themselves first, to live life on purpose and serve their values. I’m a sounding board, I’m an educator and I’m an empath.
“My yin to my yang has been diagnosed with cancer.”
How do you love that news? Well, patience is an avenue I’m very familiar with. It’s the one behaviour I am becoming more successful at in all areas of life. Another avenue is not being emotionally connected. To feel is one thing, but to be connected to a persons feelings is another.
I’m an awesome researcher and my strength is needed for the man I love the most. He needs me. And I will do whatever it takes to get all the options served out to him on a platter. Though, it’s up to him to decide. Once he makes his choice, he needs his choice to be respected. That’s the tough part for me because I know him well and he is easily influenced. It breaks my heart when I see people being manipulated, lied to and confused. Some of these people are only doing it to feed their own purpose; so to make themselves feel at ease instead of allowing the individual to just be present.
I’m also his co-parent, his best friend and the mother of his child. My challenges may be different, though, they are just as great as his. My strength in this is my ability to express my vulnerability publicly.
As I write this, I’m breaking the cycle. Instead of reaching out to a help line, I’m expressing myself publicly. It allows you an opportunity to open up about your fears. To help you look within yourself and see the strengths that you need to draw out to live a beautiful loving life.
A different way of doing things will offer a different outcome. Change is in order; challenges will push you to guide you to grow out of the fear and into your heart. The heart is where life wants us to be. And life knows what’s best for us. We just need to get out of our heads first!
Lisa Jane is based in the northern area of Melbourne, Australia. She is an aspiring humanitarian, with her magnetic smile and charismatic nature, she educates and entertains with her stories bringing balance to any life experience.
Lisa Jane is a separated mother; who in the present moment is focussing on co-parenting with her daughter’s Father; building a solid foundation, whilst running her Holistic Beauty & Skin Therapy clinic; Aquatique.
Lisa Jane has launched her podcast Yummy Mummy this year. Where she will make sense of what it means to be a parent, partner and lover in modern society whilst staying true to yourself. https://yummymummypodcast.wordpress.com/