Q: Met a guy online, then in person, now he’s ghosting me
I met a guy online, through Facebook. Let’s call him John. It’s actually quite funny how it happened. His photo was in a sponsored ad and I commented saying he was cute, and he responded back saying I was cute too. I made the first move. I creeped on his FB and noticed we had quite a bit in common. I sent him a message and we hit it off rather quickly.
We messaged one another nonstop for weeks; I’d say we talked from when I woke up, ’til I went to sleep for a month straight. We literally talked about everything under the sun. Our opinions and views were EXACTLY the same. We had so much in common it was kind of scary to be honest. Through FB you can send audio and video clips, so it definitely helped us get closer. We also video chatted a few times too, for hours on end.
So, after three months of talking to John, I told him I wanted to meet him, and he wanted to meet me. The original plan was to meet in February, because our birthdays are only one day apart. We got entirely close too quick and decided to meet a lot sooner. Mainly because we didn’t want to waste any more time on it possibly not working out. Now, mind you, I live in Ohio. He lives in Philadelphia. So this is kind of an expensive trip. It was easier for me to go to him because of my work schedule, and the fact I make more money than he does. I could afford it. It wasn’t an issue with me. Plus, I love road trips. I enjoy travelling and was highly interested to see what Philly is like. Made the plans, rented a car and got a hotel room.
Now, meeting him in person was the most amazing feeling ever. I couldn’t describe how perfect it was. It just felt like a dream. Just too good to be true. We got along so well, and had so much fun. We made each other laugh all weekend. I couldn’t tell you how many times both him and I had said, “I was just about to say that.” We were definitely on the same wavelength. It felt like as if we’ve known one another for years, and just getting reacquainted. That was something we had both said before we met in person.
The day I left was rough. I didn’t want it to end. We hugged each other goodbye and he had sent me a message at some point on my way home asking if I made it home safely. I was still two hours away from my destination, and I let him know as soon as I got there. We talked normally at the beginning of the next day, and then that’s when things started getting weird.
He’s the kind of guy who is always posting on FB. Monday, he made a post saying he had a rough day at work, that his manager was giving him bad anxiety. I told him the same thing he told me before I left Philly; if you get too stressed, think of something that makes you laugh. He just told me his manager was giving him a hard time. I gave him some space, and waited until tomorrow to message him.
- Tuesday, I hit him up asking if he felt any better, and he just responded with, “Eehh” leaving me no room to really respond. So all I said was, “I am giving you some space, and I’m around if you need to talk.”
- Wednesday, I didn’t hit him up at all. Keep in mind; I’ve been the initiator for trying to communicate.
- Thursday, I didn’t hear from him at all, yet he continues to post on FB. One status he made, I had to send him a message. He had said, “Where is my mind?” I asked him why is he being a stranger. He retorted with he hasn’t been. Then the subject got changed and he just said he hasn’t been feeling well. We talked for a few hours and he said he was going to lie down.
- Friday, I ended up picking up my Nintendo Switch, so I sent him a few photos and that conversation was cut real short when I tried to talk to him and he just didn’t seem interested in talking to me. I was getting real tired of being the initiator at that point.
- Saturday, I had plans to go out that night with some friends. He made a status on FB wondering what to do after he got off work, and I made a comment, and everything seemed fine. He was at home drinking, and I was drinking a little bit myself. He made another status at like 3am saying, “I wish someone understood.” Of course I had to say something on there.
I sent him a message about an hour after that status and I asked him what was wrong. He just told me that there are things he can’t tell me because he can’t give himself away again. He said things come “in pieces” and speaking metaphorically. He had said “He needs to deem someone worthy” and I had asked him, “I’m not one of those, am I?” and he responded with “No.” That right there upset me. I told him, considering all the effort I put into getting to know him that’s kinda shitty. He responded with, “I never said I’d stop talking to you.” I honestly don’t know what he meant by that. I said a few more things to him, along with “I wanted to meet you for a reason. It’s unfair because considering how well we get along, it’s kind of a waste.”
The next day, Sunday, no message.
Monday, nothing, until later that night. The first thing I asked him was, “Can I ask you something?” He responded with, “What is it?” My question was asking him why he decided to put his guard up after we met. He said he “hasn’t, really.” After that, he just kept repeating himself saying that there are some things he won’t tell people and that he can’t tell just anybody. I told him I don’t like seeing him make FB posts that are negative because it makes me worry. Of course he said, “I don’t see why.” I had to tell him I ended up catching feelings for him, and that I felt that it wasn’t mutual. He agreed. He said “it’s not mutual and the more you press to pull out of me the less good it will do.” After that, I just said that’s all I wanted to know. I told him I’m not here to play tug of war with him and I know how to keep my distance. I just needed to know where we stand.
We are still friends on Facebook, but haven’t reached out to one another. I’ve been staying off Facebook to avoid posting sappy, sad posts. I’m getting too old to play these games LOL. Some of the things he will post I feel like are about me. A lot of the time it can be vague, but I know he doesn’t really have much going on in his life, at least that’s how it felt when we talked constantly.
That’s all she wrote. I’m just completely bewildered by all of this. How can something that felt so perfect just disintegrate? I kept the story simple, so ask questions if need be. I’m willing to go full detail, and possibly post screenshots of our conversations. I am pretty observant, I know when someone feels uncomfortable, and neither of us got that vibe when we spent time together. It honestly felt like we’ve been dating for years. Nothing felt out of the ordinary whatsoever. He wasn’t on his phone constantly, he didn’t act strange or sketchy. So, what the hell happened? I know for a fact I’m not the problem here. He’s got demons he needs to diminish. I’m just sitting here like, damn. Now what? Move on? Why would I want to move on after this? I felt like I was teased. Everything I ever wanted in a guy, and he does this to me.
At this point I just need opinions about this. I’ve been telling so many friends about this situation and they just tell me that he’s an asshole. It’s difficult to move on after all this effort. Although, as heartbreaking as it was, I’m healing pretty quickly. The hardest part is the fact that I do miss talking to him. It’s not easy going from talking to someone every day to being basically strangers. He was very easy to talk to, and you just can’t find that everywhere.
A: Dear Get Blood from a Stone
So every single one of your friends is calling him an arsehole and telling you to move on and you still haven’t got the message?
Personally I don’t think he’s an arsehole just because he met you in person and he couldn’t reciprocate the same experience as you. The reality years if he’s just not that into you he will disappear on you however in your case it didn’t go that way as he actually told you he wasn’t interested in you yet you’re still not listening.
I hear you when you say that you met someone that was just like you, as it’s a rare thing and thank god for that. To get along with somebody is great however to be in a long-term relationship with your exact mirror is boring! This is why opposites attract. That’s when the other person can bring something new into your life instead of it always being the same same.
Ghosting is when somebody disappears without a peep they drop off the face of the earth.
Sometimes you have to get closure all by yourself if you want to get it the way you want to get it.
Move on sister!
Q: Fiancé has no sex drive after hysterectomy
First the backstory: I am 54, my fiancée 46. We have been together nearly five years, officially engaged since this past spring. We have both been married before, me for 19 years, and she for 15. Between us, we have five kids.
Now the delicate part: we had an active and fulfilling sex life. We were completely into each other, experimenting with new things we’d never tried with previous partners. All good. Two years ago, her doctor suggested she get a hysterectomy, to alleviate some longstanding issues–things that had been causing her pain for years. She went through with the surgery; I was with her every step of the way.
Since then, she’s had no sex drive. We’ve done nothing sexually for two years other than kissing (which she does still enjoy), and what I would call “light make out sessions.” But not further. I am still enormously attracted to her. I am going to spend the rest of my life with her, and I love and adore her in all ways and think she is the most beautiful, desirable woman I’ve ever known. (Which I tell her on a regular basis.) But I do still have a strong sex drive, and want to make love to her. I will NEVER seek sex outside our relationship, I will never cheat on her, I want to be clear. She is my one and only, and we have committed to each other for the rest of our lives. Period.
We’ve talked about her lack of sex drive. We communicate well with each other, and I’ve brought up my concerns. She says she simply doesn’t feel it, just isn’t interested in full-on sex. She assures me it has nothing to do with me (I never thought it did, I understand the changes her body has gone through, and we connect to each other so well in every other way). I’ve asked if there is anything I can do, as her partner, to help. The last time we discussed it, she got a bit frustrated and just said, “I don’t know!” I’ve suggested talking to her doctor about hormones, but the last time she saw her gyno doctor, she didn’t ask.
I hate to think our sex life is over, at our ages. I don’t want to pressure her, because I want our sexuality to be about both of us, as it was before her surgery. But she doesn’t even seem to miss it. Again, we are physically affectionate, just not to the level of “all the way” sex. Perhaps this will have to be enough. But I am quite frustrated.
I would be grateful for any insights that anyone here, male or female, might have. Ah, issues of sexuality in middle age!
A: Dear Frustrated
After reading your message I can confidently say that this situation has nothing to do with you. I will also make an assumption that technically there is nothing wrong with the sexual organs that she still has.
When women have a hysterectomy it will affect them are quite a few different levels. For some they feel like they’re womanhood has been removed and this also happens for a lot of women going through menopause. Hormones will also change in regards to what is produced naturally and definitely the body will not secrete natural lubrication the way used to in the vaginal area to assist with sex.
Sex all starts in the mind for a woman and then moves down to their body. It works in refers to a man as a man it starts in the body and then goes to the mind. So right now your partner is struggling in her mind. I guarantee that right now she has a negative anchor that is attached to her sexual organs. This also tends to happen with women who have had a traumatic childbirth. It’s like they think they’re ready for sex however as soon as anything goes to enter them their Entire body and all of the muscles contract and shut it all down so nothing can get in and it becomes a painful experience. If there is pain attached or negative anchor attached to the vagina and anything entering the vagina it is nearly impossible for the woman to have sex.
Can this be changed?
Your partner will need to reconnect with her womanhood with her vagina with her Vulva. There are many ways to do it however I am going to suggest using alternate routes rather than the typical let’s go down to the doctor route.
Finding a specialised sexologist or joining some workshops that are related to connecting to the womb or dancing Eros would be great.
As women we hold a lot of fear guilt and shame and we hold it in our bodies and a lot of the time it connects to our feminine essence & sexual organs. Womb work is great, as you don’t need a womb to connect to it. I have interviewed many men that have done workshops that have literally said they could feel not only having a womb that having female genitalia! It’s brilliant work and will assist the love of your life to connect to her body and her feminine essence and magnificence again.
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