This Is Why I Married Myself

Remember how I say that when I go to Bali magic happens?
Well the last time I was there I got engaged to myself!
I hadn’t planned that this would happen. The whole idea of self-marriage came about whilst I was in Bali deciding on what sort of ritual I wanted to do to complete 2016.
As 2016 was the year of completion I was reminiscing on my time since left my last serious relationship and how far I had come.
Oh boy, have I done some profound and deep healing work on myself!
I guess looking at me now you may find it hard to believe that I would ever have been in abusive relationships. But yes, I have experienced three of them.
The last one was the hardest one and I never saw it coming. It was the one that would shatter me but break my heart open to feel my own love, and I am so grateful to him for that.
Being in an abusive relationship is an awful experience to go through and I have so much compassion for others who experience this.
When I finally left the last one, I made a commitment to myself that I would never, ever go through that again.
I made a stand for myself and what I am worthy of in love.
I told myself I would never tolerate or enable this behaviour again but I also didn’t want to close my heart because of it. I wanted to be open to experiencing happy, healthy love.
I refused to numb my pain, like I had for ten years since the first heartbreak. Hence why it kept showing up for me again and again. I was being re-wounded.

So I went back to Bali for three months and allowed myself to feel all of it.
All of the pain, the anger, the hurt, the resentment, the shame, the guilt.
Plus all the yucky shadow stuff that I also had to take responsibility for.
There were a lot of huge ‘Ahas’ during this time!
I wrote. I cried. I punched pillows with his imaginary face on it. I wrote. I got massaged. I meditated. I danced. I cried. I punched more pillows with more imaginary faces. I yoga’d. I cleansed. I got massaged. I wrote. I danced some more. I felt. I cried. I laughed. I self-pleasured. I self-cared. I yoga’d. I danced some more.
I HEALED.
I healed like I had never healed before.
And I re-awakened to love.
My own love, inside of me.
I then turned all of this into healing program and retreats for other abuse survivors. Because I know that this is part of the reason why I have experienced this.
So after feeling all of this, there was a moment when my heart broke open.
There is this moment between feeling the pain and rebuilding your relationship with yourself where you feel this immense gratitude.
I got it. I truly got it all.
Why I had gone through all of this.
Why it happened to me.
And here I am… sharing this with you.
Then the rebuild began.
Healthy boundaries to be established.
Beliefs to be transformed.
Patterns to be rewired.
Conscious communication skills put into practice.
Radical Self-Love to be embodied.
I had to look at all the ways that people hadn’t honoured and committed to me and I had to learn how to do this for myself first.
Learning that they were simply a reflection of the relationship I had with myself.
Eventually, I completely rewired myself for love and relationship.
This changed who I attract, what I allow and how I show up in the world.

So, why did I decide to marry myself?
Well, why wouldn’t I honour the relationship with myself, just as much, if not more than I would with another person?
Just like any relationship, before I got married, I had to get to know myself again.
I had to spend quality time with myself.
I had to date myself. Romance myself.
Be intimate with myself. Pleasure myself.
Be loyal to myself. Be honest with myself.
Go on adventures and travel with myself.
I also had to have some hard and vulnerable conversations with myself.
Whilst reminding myself how beautiful and amazing I am.
And through it all appreciating and acknowledging myself consistently.
At the end of the day I have to be there 100% for myself, support myself and love myself unconditionally.
Especially learning to love things I may not really like about myself!
Because through the good and the bad, I am committed to me for the rest of my life and I am committed to making this relationship a happy, loving, healthy one, because I want to BE with me and I want to LOVE being with myself!
When I self-reflected on all of this at the end of 2016, I decided it was now time to celebrate how far how I had journeyed. I chose Self-Marriage as a ritual that I wanted to perform to do this, which has evolved into me facilitating this ceremony for others, after they have gone through this same healing journey usually with me as their guide.
Self-marriage is a celebration of Self-Love.
To celebrate this new relationship I have with myself.
This version of me that loves, honours, respects and values herself.
To look into that mirror and tell myself all the things I love about me.
To look into that mirror and speak the commitments that honour me.
This doesn’t mean I am not going to marry someone else, one day I would love to experience that, if it feels true for me at the time. But I can’t expect someone to commit to me, if I haven’t committed to myself first.
In fact, I know that because I have married and committed to myself, it’s actually more likely that I would attract someone who has the capacity to truly honour and commit to me. They will simply be my reflection.
When I looked into that mirror and saw my reflection – I saw love.
This is who I am.