A lot of people wonder if breaking up was the right call and if they should get back with their ex? Sometimes they feel confused about what they should do or how they should go about it.
The amount of conversations I have with people that exuberate stalker tendencies is amazing! It’s soo easy to get caught up by what the ex is doing with their time and analysing every move they make. I mean lets get real, if we spend all of our time focused on what they are or not doing we don’t have to focus on yourself do we?
Stalking your ex via mediums such as Facebook or Instagram is all too easy especially in this day and age with social media. The perceived information (and I use the word perceived because for those of you addicted to social media haven’t worked out that people work on two extremes, the highlight show reel or the victim poor me shit) isn’t real.
Some people are trying to move on, but a little voice in their head is telling them that this is just temporary and they just have to wait for the right opportunity to get back with their ex. The reality is that most of them shouldn’t even entertain getting back with their ex.
Why?
What you need to focus on however is…
Forgiveness
Moving forward and finding your own happiness comes from growth within you. Identifying and growing your core values and living congruently as per them thru self-love, self-nurturing and self-development are the true key. I remember last year I was staying at a backpackers and this mature woman had started talking about this being her weekend off to go hunt like a cougar and she spoke venom about her ex. Then she stated more then asked
“You hate your ex don’t you?”
I responded “Hell no!”
This led into a conversation about how I was grateful for when they were an asshole as if it were not for all of this experience and hurt and pain I would never have grown into the woman I am today. I was THANKFUL. I send my ex’s love and blessing for their life. These experiences created the woman I was today and I would not change for anything in the world!!
What I have learned is life about relationships is you need to learn from all the good, bad and ugly that happened in them. Reality is if you do not you will generally spend your life playing rinse and repeat. That’s right. If you do not learn you will continue repeating exactly the same relationships. Option 2 of course is to go into a state of fear and stop dating or have relationships with ‘connection’ of any sort. What a lonely life!
This woman walked away from our conversation in a state of shock. At the beginning she thought it was all happy happy in my separation. Then after me telling her some brief painful and quite horrid behavior from him she looked at me in awe. In awe that it is possible to not only forgive but to desire happiness for them.
The best revenge is happiness. Not your happiness. Wanting happiness for them. That’s true forgiveness.
Do you have that in you?
Look the reality is there are some relationships that with some good communication and core issues resolved can absolutely come back together and build a lasting partnership stronger than ever.
Only if your relationship had a strong foundation and you are willing to put in the work it may be well worth the effort.
The problem is that some people aren’t honest with themselves about which category their relationship with their ex falls into. Sometimes the residual feelings that are compelling you to want to go back aren’t what are really best for you.
Here are a couple of things to think about before taking that step to get back with your ex.
1. Respect in the relationship
Many people have been in or are in a relationship in which the other person shows blatant disrespect towards you. We are not talking about a little thing here and there. We are talking about consistent disrespect for your feelings and time in this relationship. So when that person fortunately becomes your ex, what do you really have to consider? If they didn’t show you respect while in the relationship, what makes you think that would change if you keep allowing them to come back regardless of prior behaviour? There are a lot of issues in relationships that can be worked on and even resolved, but without respect you really have no relationship to begin with.
2. The Core Issues Have Not Been Addressed
To say, “I’m Sorry” without really addressing the issue may actually be very heartfelt but unfortunately over time becomes just a statement without any substance. Simply saying, “Ok I won’t do that again” doesn’t do much in making sure the issue doesn’t come back up. If you and your ex can’t get to the bottom of why the issue is happening in the first place then you can’t expect for it to just go away. It may seem fine for a while but the problem will rear its ugly head again. Meaningful and honest communication is necessary to overcome any issue. Without it you can’t really expect for things to change and improve. Sometimes when you get down to discussing your core issues you may realize that it actually isn’t something that you can overcome as a couple and going your separate ways is truly the right outcome. Whether you can work through your issues or not, you are just setting yourself up for frustration and disappointment if you don’t make the time to find out before taking your ex back.
3. You’re Just Attached
Human nature dictates that we don’t like to be wrong. After investing all that time and energy into the relationship, you don’t want to feel like it was a waste. We want to feel validated in the feelings we thought we had for this person and that is hard to do when we are faced with the relationship being over. A lot of us have the desire to take back our ex, not because we are “really in love” with them. It is just our way of holding on to the hope that we didn’t get this wrong or fail in our judgment of character. That we didn’t spend all this time to find and keep this relationship when in reality that person was never meant for us to begin with. Fear of failure or being alone can motivate us more than love. In some cases it’s just lust that reels us back in. In other cases it is a lack of respect for ourselves and how we deserve to be treated. For others it’s fear of what everyone will say or possibly even losing friends or family of their ex that they have gown to care about. None of these reasons are actually about being in love but if we use that term it can lead to us validating our actions. So if you are not truly in love, then why bother taking them back. You are only setting yourself up for you or them to leave again.
4. But we have children
A relationship that involves children ending can be one of the most difficult of all. Firstly because you will feel like you have more to consider than the outcome for just the two of you and secondly because in most cases you can’t just cut ties and walk away from each other. Even if you couldn’t communicate well as a couple you will still need to find a way to work through issues together as parents. For these reasons some parents will stay in a relationship under the belief that it is what is right for their children. I am by no means saying that parents should throw away their relationships on a whim but you can’t stay in a relationship JUST because you have kids. The thing to consider is what sort of an example you are setting for your children if you really aren’t right for one another. Seeing your relationship in their home day after day will be their first point of reference on how a partnership should look and function like. How can a visibly destructive relationship built on obligation truly be a benefit to them? Wouldn’t you and them benefit in the long run from two parents successfully parenting them as a team even though they live apart and eventually presenting your children with two loving and functioning relationships to base their own on in the future? Before reconciling with an ex where children are a concern, make sure you are doing it for you first and foremost!
At the end of the day there is a reason that your relationship ended and your partner became your ex. Some people don’t realize what they have until it’s gone, but that does not always mean they are supposed to get it back. Make sure you understand the reasons behind the break up so that you can make a clearer decision as to whether you should even consider reconciling your relationship. If you do decide that moving on was the right decision, try not to carry the issues and insecurities from that relationship into your next one. We can all be tainted by past experiences but by entering into a new partnership expecting the worst you will almost guarantee it!
Melina Macdonald
Intimacy & Adult Product Lifestyle Educator, Author, Speaker Dating & Sex, Love & Intimacy Expert
With a focus message of intimacy, communication, trust and respect, Melina created this business with the goal to enhance relationships and lower the divorce rate for years to come. A Her becoming single a Her 11 years of marriage Melina decided she wanted to get her own inner sparkle back. Her journey started into the world of self-discovery and adult products and was mortified at the misinformation and sleaziness of the adult industry. Breaking all the rules in the industry by putting a face to the company Melina is now the leading Intimate Lifestyle Educator in Australia today speaking as a guest speaker at various women’s events.
Melina has created Australia’s first complete boxset of ‘Intimacy’ products providing a full sensory experience. To complete the experience, Taboo Intimacy assists you with scenarios, education and play cards to keep the joy happening.
Melina operates the front end of the business direct to the public and has recently opened a new Wholesale division with her own branding of Intimacy products for Hotel Minibars.
Melina also runs workshops and online program to educate women on the topics of love, sex, relationship & intimacy. Melina is author of the soon to be released book “Win the Dating Game”. She has authored the More Romance = New Profit book targeted at her Taboo Intimacy Wholesalers available for free download on her website.
W: www.sacredpotential.com
F: www.facebook.com/mel.macdonald.3
PF: www.facebook.com/groups/intimacytv/
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