The moment I knew I was carrying a little person inside of me, was the moment I knew I was no longer independent. My eyes welled up and I wasn’t sure of my emotions. I felt both pain and pleasure simultaneously. I laughed and cried at once. I had decided a month prior to hold off on trying to conceive. It was October and I thought it was a grand idea to enjoy our last summer together as husband and wife. I thought it would be beneficial to work on strengthening the foundation of our marriage too.
With the pregnancy test in hand, I stepped out of the ensuite into the bedroom looking toward the lounge room. My other half, the part of me that is the air element of my life, the man who supports my creativity, was sitting on the couch watching a movie. I stood watching the back of his head. I thought about how I should tell him the news. I thought about whether we were ready to be parents, how well a team we would be and if I were able to be a Mum without losing sight of myself.
During my pregnancy, depression knocked at my door. I reached out to the social workers at the hospital at six months gestation. I told them I did not feel like suicide but I wanted to run away. It felt like it was the only action that would help me get through. But instead, I accepted depression into my soul. It kept me quiet. It kept my unborn child safe.
It wasn’t till she was born that I knew my life purpose. That my reason for living became so clear when I saw part of myself outside of me. I laid beside her and stared, wondering how she could be mine. She was all her father. Her dark hair, so much of it too. Her dark skin and her dark eyes. “How do I accept this child as mine when she looks nothing like me?” It played over in my mind.
When she began to walk, much earlier than for her age, I saw someone familiar. When she taught herself her first word by observing others, when I recognised her challenges and listened to her daily stories of adventures she created. It was then I realised she was, all me in spirit.
The depression lingered for two years after my daughter was born. During the black cloud of my prenatal and postnatal pregnancy, my friends thought I was doing just fine. I didn’t hide my struggles though. I spoke about my low moods, my unhappiness and especially about how the people around me were being unfair.
Nothing was going to stop me from feeling and thinking unhealthy than to tell the depression to leave. I knew it was not welcome anymore. It served its purpose; it slowed me down and showed me a different part of the world.
Even though I did not enjoy it, I will never take away that lonely time in my life. I embrace it because when I step into my power these days, I take part of that woman I was then; the strong, the active, the brave. I have learnt about myself in those lowest moments of my life. I just didn’t see it till I was able to fan away the black cloud.
And with that, the greatest gift I received of all time was the gift to love unconditionally; all the parts of myself. The good, the bad and the extraordinary. It became so clear. My daughter gave me that gift. She was never going to let me lose sight of myself. Even in my darkest hours.
I am now working as a Life Mentor guiding others to bridge the gap between their disconnected and true selves in order to see their world from all angles, to never want to change their past, to get out of their heads and into their hearts and above all, to love unconditionally.
How amazing it is to know, that my daughter guided me to do all of that first, for myself.
Lisa Jane is based in the northern area of Melbourne, Australia. She is an aspiring humanitarian, with her magnetic smile and charismatic nature, she educates and entertains with her stories bringing balance to any life experience.
Lisa Jane is a separated mother; who in the present moment is focussing on co-parenting with her daughter’s Father; building a solid foundation, whilst running her Holistic Beauty & Skin Therapy clinic; Aquatique.
Lisa Jane has launched her podcast Yummy Mummy this year. Where she will make sense of what it means to be a parent, partner and lover in modern society whilst staying true to yourself.