Q: I have long had a feeling of inadequacy, mainly about my size.
I guess with the advent of the internet you’re able to compare those things now so I recently measured myself up (6″×5.2″) and discovered that I guess I am above average (site I went to said I was 77 percentile for length and 82 percentile for girth). I think a lot of my past feelings of inadequacy come from the fact that I am way below average when flaccid (under 3″ in both length and girth). I am def a grower and not shower. And the only past comparison I have had is seeing flaccid penises in a locker room type setting and erect ones in porn. So I guess my perception is skewed there. I think it is also skewed by the fact that I am 6’2 with size 13 shoes, so the stereotype is that I am supposed to have an an over average penis (this was often pointed out to me in a joking way when I got thru puberty with comments like “you must have a huge penis, etc.) I pretty much always avoided being seen naked by peers or women alike. I guess this is exacerbated by the fact that I hit puberty late (around 16) and wasn’t very popular with the ladies until I was about 17 or so (and by then was so uaed to rejection that I had a hard time recognizing when women exhibited interest).
I think another problem is that I fell madly in love with my first real girlfriend and we are now married. She did discard me several times during our relationship and sought other male attention and had sex with several other guys, which only heightened my feelings of inadequacy and rejection. Now I know size isn’t the only factor in sexual acumen so I guess that has lead to feelings of inadequacy in other areas of our physical relationship.
I know (or think) that it shouldn’t be that important to have size but I think I would draw some confidence from accepting that I am not small. I think it would also help to know that I am capable of pleasing my wife, which I very much want. We don’t talk about sex a lot, I guess largely because she was raised in an environment where sex was shameful and also was objectified heavily throughout most of her life, post puberty. I wish I knew a way to start the conversation to her to get sexual pleasure. I would say that 2/3 of the time she just lays there and it is very vanilla and it feels like she is just doing it out for obligation (which she says is accurate on occasion). About 25% of the rest of the times she seems into it but feels ashamed to get really into it and never talks or moans, etc. The remaining small fraction of times she is into it to the point that I’m not sure its the same person. Talking about what she likes and why I like. In a recent encounter she was apparently really turned on to the point of asking me how I wanted her groomed around her genitals, so I would enjoy being around her down there, which was so uncharacteristic that I didn’t really answer. Then when I brought it up after the fact she was so embarrassed that she wanted to change the subject entirely.
She says she doesn’t like foreplay that much (I love foreplay). Maybe we got worn out on foreplay early in our relationship because we went a while not doing anything else due to our age and both of our feelings of guilt surrounding sex. I would be more than willing to give her oral sex (which when it happens she seems to enjoy but also expresses concerns that I think its gross while I am doing it and quickly pulls me back up). She also derived a lot of pleasure from boob play until she had kids and has gone from a DD at 105 pounds to a B cup. I think she feels that a source of sexual confidence for her has been lost in that regard.
So what should I do? I feel like approaching her with this conversation will lead to a negative response and I am afraid to talk to my therapist because it is still an embarrassing subject (which I am sure you all will tell makes therapy pointless). I guess my biggest fear is even though I am starting to realize that my penis isn’t small, that she will still say that I am incapable of pleasing her for some reason (maybe she is a girl that needs an above average penis or something).
A: Hi concerned penis
I don’t believe your penis has anything to do with what’s going on, communication does.
You mentioned a few times your assumptions about what is happening with your wife and what you desire with your wife and your paranoia about why intimacy is bland or lacking within your relationship and how you want to know what she thinks or wants.
However if you can’t even talk to your counsellor about this topic, a person who is not only a professional but someone that you would talk to in confidence, then how do you expect this relationship to work?
No your penis is not tiny!
I have seen and been with a small penis and yes it does come with its challenges but generally men who know that size is an issue will make sure they go above and beyond to learn and obtain additional skills to satisfy their female partner.
From what I’m hearing you have not had the opportunity (like your wife has decided to take by being with other partners) to get any sexual experiences. The impression I get is that it is possible she has been your only sexual partner. So sexual experiences other then what you see on porn (which please remember is acting) leaves you with minimal sexual experience tools in your belt.
It’s ironic that when you go outside of your relationship for a sexual experience you tend to do stuff (even with a total stranger) that you would never do with your long-term partner. Go figure but that’s what happens.
So when you’ve been with your partner and she was behaving ‘out of sorts’ as you say, that was her wild woman and slut (cheeky) archetypes coming out to play. She more than likely experienced those sides to herself while with someone else and when she tried to bring it into your relationship because of your shock she more than likely felt shame hence retracting.
I suppose the question is what have you done different within your relationship lately?
You mentioned that it’s vanilla however I don’t believe from what you’re saying that your wife is as vanilla as you think. Trust me there’s nothing wrong with vanilla but there is something wrong with routine sex & routine intimacy. BORING!!
Anyway why is your wife getting to gain new sexual experiences and you’re not? Have you ever thought that maybe a polyamorous relationship is something to contemplate for both of you?
There’s nothing wrong with your penis size at all, however lack of communication efforts (which means not shutting down when we are uncomfortable) needs some serious looking at.
Growth in a relationship starts with growth in self. If there is something that you desire to see in your partner you must turn up as that desire first!
If you are open she will be open.
If you are confident she will be confident.
If you are playful in the bedroom she will be playful in the bedroom.
Let me make this clear, if you do not get the desired affect immediately do not shut down, do not closedown, do not disconnect as that is what will ruin your relationship.
“The reality is we all fear rejection and when we get rejected we feel shame.”
Due to this vulnerability and the fact that our brain is wired to protect us at all costs, we go through life with a mask on most the time lying to ourselves and everybody around us.
So, remember to start with YOU and work on YOU and YOUR growth and turn up as the person that YOU desire to be with and you will attract that version of a person in your life.
Your dick is fine just the size it is!
Q: Me and my s/o have been together and happily married for 5 years now. Last year i found a LOT of gay, bi and transgender porn on his phone and when i asked about it he said it was nothing more then boredom with regular porn. Now a year later he sits me down amd tells me hes pretty sure hes bisexual and has a lot of fantasies he would like to pursue and he’d like for me to be involved. Im not sure how i feel about any of this. Whats wrong with me? Why does he want to have sex with anyone else male, female or transgender? The whole thing has me feeling really insecure and unsure about what he really wants. Does he just want us to explore sexual fantasies together? Is he really interested in men but doesn’t want to hurt me? Im lost and have no one i can open up to about this.
A: Hey hey… First of all and most important thing you gotta ask is What do you want? Is this something you want to explore with him? Where is the boundary? How are you feeling about all of this? How are you feeling about him exploring it with you? How are you feeling about him exploring it without you? These are some of the questions you need to have a think about.
To answer your question about what’s wrong with you? There is nothing wrong with you. A lot of the time people feel shameful about exploring their sexual desires and fantasies and it has nothing to do with his love and desire for you. Another way to think about this is that he feels safe and secure enough in your relationship to want to explore his fantasies with you. May be this is an opportunity to think about your fantasies and whether you wanna explore together.
From what you said, there seems to be a lot of assumption. Why don’t you sit him down and ask him those questions? A good relationship always starts with good communication, especially when it comes to intimate subjects.
Have a sit down and talk about where you are at, your concerns, questions, your boundaries etc. and see how he responds. It might surprise you that this sort of conversation can be quite fun and intriguing