Q: My SO Still Thinks About Her Ex
So I’ve had a crush on this girl for around five years now, and I liked her for a year and a half, dated her for a year, then she dated this guy for three years, and now have been involved (she has how she said commitment issues/is nonmonogamous so no formal title) for a few months and we talk daily for hours on the phone and we spend as much time as possible with each other (around three days a week).
This relationship with her ex was really unhealthy and she’s glad she ended it but she said and I believe feels that she still cares for him but he’s really terrible to her and there are times when I’ll do something nice that should be expected of anyone in my situation and she’ll break down and cry because her ex when put in the same situation was so mean to her it just startles her.
I don’t understand how someone can be so terrible to you but you still care about them but I really love this girl and I want to help her in whatever ways I can to move on and live a happy life but I don’t know how to do that, please help. And I really don’t know what’s best for her because he’s so bad to her and yet she still cares.
A: I understand it can be hard to watch someone you care so deeply about experiencing some emotional discomfort, hurt or pain.
However it still does sound like she hasn’t dealt with her past relationship patterns and emotions, hence projecting them on you. You can’t solve her problems, she needs to work on herself. What you can do is getting clear on whether this is the relationship that you want, what are you boundaries and values? Are you willing to settle for this if she is not willing to change? You can’t rescue her. Focus your energy on being a happier version of yourself and consciously create a relationship that you truly deserve.
Q: Please put me in my place!!!
My Boyfriend and I have been dating for about 8 months now, and I found out I was pregnant about 4 months ago. We agreed to raise the baby together and love each other the best we can. I can be a little insecure at times, maybe because he’s 23 and i’m 27… and i know how girls are, & i know how i was and he’s wonderful But besides that we don’t have many problems with the relationship.
He got home from work the other day and told me “So i got to work today and the girl i work with Jenny stopped me before I even got on the floor and vented to me for 30 minutes about how she was sexually assaulted at work and how she hates it and doesn’t know what to do” So i was a little upset, thinking that seemed a little inappropriate for a woman to talk to my boyfriend for 30 mins in the break room at work about being sexually assaulted. I understand that he can’t stop someone from coming up to him and talking to him, and that it would be rude of him to walk away or “ignore” her situation completely… but 30 minutes seems inappropriate. It just makes me uncomfortable that she feels close enough with him to talk to him that long about something so personal, and uncomfortable about my boyfriend feeling like, or wanting to comfort her. His argument is that hes seriously worried about her committing suicide, that no one else will listen to her, that he doesn’t want to be a bad person and ignore her.
I just feel like this is inappropriate and the fact that he makes that his problem, or doesn’t remove himself from that situation makes me upset. For the record, this world needs more good people, we need to help each other out. But we also need to know our place and I don’t know if this is a sign. I don’t know if this is my pregnancy speaking more than myself, but i need some advice.
A: I think you need to be more mature about the situation
In regards to the situation, I think it was the right thing that he spoke to Jenny, listened to her and gave her some support. I think you should take pride in the fact that people find him easy to talk to, someone that they can trust and open up. His giving support to her is not an indication that he will cheat on you. It sounds like there is some insecurity in your relationship and a lack of trust. Sounds like you are feeling insecure about whether he’ll stay and help you raise a baby. I think it’s truly important that you talk to him about your feelings. If you can’t trust him with little things like this, how can you trust him to give you support raising a child?
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