One of people’s biggest fears is being alone It’s not mine I’m quite comfortable in my own space in my own ‘cave time’ by myself. What I’ve discovered is one of my biggest fears is actually being with someone again! Sharing my space, sharing my love, sharing my heart, sharing my everything.
The last three loves of my life have all had a midlife meltdowns and for me I felt like I was dying a slow death as I couid not help them. In fact, well…they slowly disappeared and morphed into completely different people to the point where they were unrecognisable and unlovable.
Each time, when I found the line in the sand, I knew it was time to go. The abuse I endured had no relevance in any way shape or form to me. I then went through a mourning process with each loss of someone. The hardest thing was the fact that they still walked on this planet. I’ve lost so many people this life time and I understand I will lose more but someone physically dying I found is less painful then watching someone mentally and emotionally wither away & morph into somebody else. The loves of my life slowly died…
Most people wouldn’t understand it but losing my partners in a mental capacity to become an unrecognisable man has literally felt like they died right in front of my eyes!! This is hands down been the most painful experience this life time that I’ve had. Knowing they still live and breathe yet not recognisable to you quite frankly ripped out my heart!! The worst part is is I’ve got nowhere to mourn.
I’ve had to Mourn these deaths in silence because no one understands it. This has shut down my heart! My first shut down as a child was when I lost my best friend, a boy I loved to never & wanted to marry, and never be able to see him again with no warning overnight. I still think of him to this day.
First heartbreak Second heartbreak was losing my cousin, again with no warning who I loved (I actually thought I wanted to marry him) Then my dad broke my heart when he left my mum & he dumped us kids just to run into the arms of another lady with children…this I truly believe I’ve never recovered from.
My next heartbreak is from my first boyfriend who stole my virginity without my permission by drugging me and then later explicitly telling everybody about our sexual rendezvous (This information I found out from my little brother). Then my heart was broken by my brother as he became a woman basher!
Then my first husband never got over his jealousy until it became such an obsession that I had to leave. Then I met a man who I believed was the love of my life (till I discovered I’ve had a few) and he had a midlife meltdown after his dad Blew his brains out. The most calm man in the world turned into the most mean man, always taking his rollercoaster of emotions out on me (which I never understood until my brother suicided and that’s where I learnt to forgive).
Bumping into him 16 years later broke my heart again as he’s never recovered and my adventure adrenaline man has turned into a scared quiet little man with no passion for life. He looked like my cat right before I put him down, no life in him! I cried for days. And then the man that I spent 11 years of my life with also had a midlife meltdown and never recovered. He became completely unrecognisable. And when I asked him “who are you?” he said ” I don’t know!” and I knew my decision to leave was the right one.
Both men I gave up nearly all my identity for, they stripped me bare and I had to start my life again from scratch on every level No job no home no money no belongings! Then I came across a man I have been magnetised to, my kryptonite, to discover the the reason why Our relationship is such a push/pull relationship is because I have incarnated with this soul more than any other soul. Then he had A midlife meltdown! Overnight we went from seeing each other every second day and him calling me endearing names to… nothing…nada!
On this journey the things I’ve discovered is that up until the last man (my false twin flame), I never ever allowed my lovers in. I never let them see the authentic version of me. I never completely opened up my heart space. This man brought a version of me that was real…loving…in flow. Until two years ago I had never met her either!! So in reflection of why my heart space is so closed and why this is the challenge I face to ‘open my heart space’ I am digging deep and actually releasing all the pain attached to my stories.
I am releasing because I no longer desire to live in fear of having another partner by my side. I desire to embrace the possibility and opportunity to meet a partner who complements me. I desire to fully embrace this experience…which is why we as souls have decided to have this human experience! If I don’t what’s the point? So here’s to the tears and the pain that I am releasing as I connect not only to my arch nemesis archetype… the maiden…here is to becoming the vulnerable authentic version of me!
Melina Macdonald Intimacy & Adult Product Lifestyle Educator, Author, Speaker Dating & Sex, Love & Intimacy Expert
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