No one wants to be there. No one knows how they got there. And unfortunately, most people don’t know how to leave there.
Luckily for you, I once spent so much time being ‘friendzoned’ I forgot what sex actually was and in a bout of utter desperation for a shag, I dedicated some time to finding out how to pull myself out of the plutonic hell hole. And today, I’m going to share what I know with you.
Firstly, let me tell you how you know you’re in the friend zone.
You’re not getting laid. Blunt but true.
No one gets laid in the friend zone because the person you have the hots for feels no sexual chemistry. Why? Because you’ve spent so much time trying to get them to like you, that you’ve neglected to build the one thing that creates attraction – tension.
No one wants to shag their mate. And I can tell you right now that the fluffy bullshit you watch in various rom-coms and teenage dramas where boy meets girl and befriends her before she eventually sees the light and falls in love with him is exactly that, bullshit. I’m not saying it’s never happened. But if you fancy someone, spending hours of your time becoming their friend means you’re highly likely to get just that – friendship.
I made 2 classic mistakes back in the day.

  1. I listened to his relationship problems and consoled him in his daily life struggles. This put me in the role of ‘councillor’. This is not sexy. Pandering to his deepest darkest secrets never gave a guy a hard-on.
  2. I tried too hard to please him, offering to collect his dry-cleaning because it was on my way home and basically showing way too much maternal concern. Again, really unsexy.

I was basically giving too much, showing too much desperation and denying any kind of chase, tension or excitement. In short, I was being too nice. *yawn*
Getting out of the friend zone is a tough gig. Not impossible. But tough. My advice is not to go there in the first place.
Instead, when you meet someone that you’re interested in, keep yourself firmly in the mystery zone.

  1. Don’t give too much of yourself away – if he wants to see you, he needs to work for you. Friends are available all the time, lovers need to be worked for.
  2. Don’t be afraid to flirt. Using playful language, light touch and a split-second lingering eye gaze immediately prompts the idea of you as a sexual partner.

And of course, I have to bring up one final point.
Sometimes, just sometimes, despite your best efforts the person you fancy just doesn’t fancy you back. It stings for a second, but then you’ve gotta move on. Because where’s the point in sitting and waiting in the hope that they’ll one day change their mind. Life is too short, you are worth more than that and there are so many other options out there.
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Emily Chadbourne is an expert in love. She has travelled the globe to find out everything she possibly could about what makes men and women tick. Now she shows others how to date, heal and have the best kind of relationship they can.
Emily’s love of writing started with her love of reading as a chills and as she’s grown up (if not taller) she has hones her passion of writing. She adores sharing everything she knows and finds that written word is a wonderful way to do just that. Originally from London, Emily now lives in Melbourne where she has become a self pronounced coffee snob! She works internationally as a coach, author and speaker.
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