I remember too well discovering the utter pleasure of having sex with one particular partner (who will remain unnamed). The first few times weren’t great, but once I felt comfortable and confident, there was no stopping me. I couldn’t get enough.
But whereas I was getting more and more excited about all the sexy things he could do to me and I could do to him — I felt like a hormonal teenager because all I could think about was having sex with him — it soon became clear that he didn’t want it as much as I did.
Being sexually rejected on an almost daily basis was hard to take.
Not only did he make me feel unattractive, but he also made me feel like I was a nymphomaniac. That relationship only lasted for eleven months in total. In hindsight, I wish I had known how to better deal with my feelings of rejection.
The sexual stereotype that men have stronger libidos has left women such as myself feeling rejected and hurt, not to mention sexually frustrated.
But gender researcher Professor Hugo Schwyzer points out it’s important to distinguish feelings of rejection from feelings of sexual frustration.
“While it’s undeniably upsetting to be the one who ‘wants it more’, how much of the upset is tied to feeling ‘like a freak’ because women aren’t supposed to have the higher libido?” he writes in Jezebel.
“Rejection never feels good, just as having to reject isn’t much fun either. But clearly, to be a young woman with a consistently higher sexual desire than one’s male partner is always going to be especially painful because of the way in which it contradicts all of our cultural programming. The one comfort that folks in my position can offer — and I do offer it repeatedly — is to remind those who are confused and hurting that this is not nearly as unusual as they think.” In fact, it was recently proven that women’s sexual desire is just as strong and ravenous as men’s — proving once and for all that the belief that men want more sex than women is just a myth, and that our expectations of how women are in bed have been shaped by cultural beliefs.
So what can you do if you want it more than he does? Is having mismatched libidos a deal breaker in a relationship?
If you truly love your partner, but fear your mismatched libidos are a problem, here are a few questions you should ask yourself:
- Why don’t you masturbate? Having your own sex life can not only improve your general health and well-being, but also the state of your relationship. Think sexy thoughts about your partner while self-pleasuring if it helps making you feel closer to your partner. For beginners, we recommend using a toy like The Quill — it’s sleek, discrete and will pinpoint all of the vibrations to your clitoris, giving you sensational C-spot orgasms. If you’re looking for something even more earth shattering, you might like to try The Pierre Rabbit for dual C-spot and G-spot stimulation.
- Do you really want sex? Or is it intimacy, affection and maybe just confirmation that he desires you that you’re really after? Learn to differentiate between sex and affection. A cuddle on the coach or an intimate massage session can satisfy your immediate hunger if it’s really intimacy you want.
However, if you are really concerned about your mismatched libidos, talking to a relationship or sex therapist could be a good idea.
For me? Well, I’m happy to announce that I’m in a sexually very satisfactory relationship today, and my man wants it just as much as I do. Which is a lot — but we both love it!
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