We are all subject to visual, physical attraction. We see someone who looks hot, buffed, gorgeous, handsome and we are drawn to them, we are curious, and we want to know more about them. That’s why advertising agencies use physically attractive models to sell products. We respond to beauty, symmetry, health, vitality and we lust for it. It’s hard-wired in our DNA. It’s what fuels the growth of the human race. And it’s nothing new. Everyone has had an experience of finding someone incredibly attractive. We’ve all had ‘crushes’ on someone we didn’t know because we are attracted to beauty. Attraction is in most cases initiated by what we see.
Single people are particularly prone to visual, physical attraction because they are actively seeking a mate. On a subconscious level, they are hyper sensitive to noticing physical attractiveness. Their Reticular Activating System (RAS) is filtering incoming information and affecting what they pay attention to, how aroused they are by what they see, and it is filtering all the good-looking individuals with whom they could potentially mate with. When they act on that information they enter the human version of the ‘Courting Ritual’ and that inevitably involves ‘Dating’
Even in the online dating space, we react more favorably to profile photos we see as attractive. Profiles without a picture get very poor responses.
Dating is the ritual activity that leads to mating. It’s how humans display their suitability as mating partners, and that’s why I say that all dates should eventually lead to the bedroom.
The problem is that humans are highly social beings and dates are very similar in structure to meetings. Both have similar purposes but different objectives and outcomes.
Too many people go on ‘meetings’ instead of ‘Dates’ and then wonder why it didn’t lead anywhere. Why there wasn’t any ‘chemistry.’ They spent their time together gathering information, doing a logistic inventory of their past, present, and future, they were polite, funny, even charming and though there was a basic attraction, the conversation failed to ignite the chemistry required for deeper connection. Why is that? The answer is that they didn’t have the bedroom in mind.
So, they parted thinking that they had a dud date when actually, they just attended a meeting instead of a ‘Date.’
We have become so invested in civility and polite conventions that we’ve forgotten the nature of our ‘Courting’ rituals. We’ve forgotten the crucial steps that lead to the ‘Date’ and even the purpose of the date, which is to display our suitability as mating partners.
Women have become very guarded of expressing their sexuality and men are either very timid or very exaggerated in expressing theirs.
Both withhold any expression of sex believing it to be inappropriate on a date when in fact it is ultimately why they are there, and so much the pity because sexual expression should be the playful stimulation of future intimacy and has to be part of every Date.
No one should go on a ‘Date’ unless they have expanded their initial visual/physical attraction to include an emotional attraction as well. To do that we must communicate and to do that we need to go through the ritual steps that lead to the ‘Date.’
Show interest, approach and introduce yourself and if still interested arrange a ‘Get-to-know, get-together’ (coffee/drinks) if still interested arrange a longer get together (lunch, ’walk) if still interested then lust and desire should be creeping in. They should be part of your reason to ask for a ‘Date.’
By the time you arrange a ‘Date’ with your potential mating partner (yes, not politically correct, to express as such but at this stage that’s who they are) you should have a strong emotional connection and a physical attraction which generates lust, flirting and seduction. If this is not in place, the ‘Date’ will not progress to its intended outcome, and any connection you developed beyond initial attraction will just be friendship.
You have to enter the ‘Date’ with lust in your heart and seduction in mind.
Now, before you set off to lynch me for suggesting such a politically incorrect notion let me clarify that this does not mean that accepting to go on a Date implies that sex is a given. Sex must ALWAYS be a consensual, mutual expression of desire in which both individuals knowingly and willingly participate. Anything less is manipulative, crass and insensitive.
I am talking about people who go on dates without any emotional attraction for the person because they don’t know much about them. This is why blind dates rarely take off (yes some do have immediate rapport and amplified physical attraction which allows them to bond very quickly, but it is not the norm) Getting to know the person well enough to create an emotional attraction is crucial before going on a Date.
Approaching a Date with lust for each other is the only way both will determine if their initial attraction will lead to deeper intimacy and a committed relationship. This is the only way people let their guard down and allow themselves to be vulnerable because they like each other enough to trust each other. This can happen on the first date, but most often it doesn’t. It does however set up a heightened desire for another Date when they can reveal more, intensify their desire for each other and allow love to bloom. Again, let me say that lust and seduction have to be part of the courting ritual of every Date.
So, what is lust and what is seduction?
Lust is an obsessive state of desire. A feeling that can only be satisfied by having that desire fulfilled. It is also a pre-curser of love. People fall in lust which can then turn into love, but not always. Emotionally immature people (both men and women, particularly the Lover/Seducer archetypes) fall in lust and once their desire is satisfied, they loose interest. That’s why it’s important to continue dating and only satisfy the physical desire once lust has turned to love. This is why one often hears couples still attracted to each other after several dates say “I think I’m falling in love with you.” They have been lusting for each other, and now love is blooming because they are emotionally surrendering to each other. Lust is crucial to successful outcomes when Dating.
Seduction is the art of persuasion. The gentle, imperceptible acts and actions that demonstrate that you want a person to like you and trust you, and it isn’t exclusive to the courting ritual. Advertising and salespeople use seduction to make us want the thing advertised for sale.
When used in the courting ritual it is expressed through a playful attitude and specific body language. For some, this comes more naturally than others, and for most of us, it has to be learned.
If you are tired of the seemingly endless round of dating, then learn to distinguish between Dates and Meetings. Learn about lust and seduction and follow a strict set of steps that allow you to make an informed decision based on the attraction you feel before you accept a Date with someone. Enter the Dating process wanting and knowing that ultimately, it will lead to the bedroom.
John C. Cirak the founder of The Ex-perienced Bachelor and the go-to coach for divorced men and women who want to improve their social and dating skills