A relationship that I once found to be fun, light, free… turned into a nightmare.
I can’t quite even grasp how or why things can flow so smoothly for 6 years then on the way to that 7th year (MLK Day would’ve been our 7th anniversary.. sorry about that MLK… but the dream will live on)
I go back to Summer time and it all becomes a bit of a blur… ups and downs… a crazy ass roller coaster ride. I wouldn’t wish the turmoil that my mind went through on my worst enemy.
There were financial meltdowns but the relationship meltdown was so much more intense I wasn’t even concerned. I knew everything in business would work out like it did. I just couldn’t get a grasp of where my relationship stood.
I’m letting my soul speak in this message and writing what I feel is to write about. I try to navigate it in away where I’m not painting her to be the villain. Let’s be honest we both played the villain/victim is scenarios.
My experience has been being hurt and confused. Feeling like we had vulnerable conversations only weeks later to figure out nothing was resolved.
Feeling betrayed, hurt and not good enough.
And even during the times I was the one being manipulated I would beat myself up on how I can be a better man. It seemed like the answer was to let the relationship go.
She was having an affair… with a co-worker.
Lies… covered by more lies… even when we felt we got real, raw and vulnerable only to be thrown for another loop.
What really hurt the most is feeling like we could re-ignite something 6 weeks after the break up. I thought maybe she had missed me.. and she did. But I just thought we could start something new…
Then getting completely “ghosted” after a couple dates.
What really leaves a bitter taste in my mouth is how something we’ve built for so long.. put some much energy and effort into… just be thrown in the trash just like that.
How even… the friendship… is gone… no matter how much space I give or how understanding and compassionate I am.
Its been so amazing to receive all the love I received from people all around the world.. friends & family when my mother passed this week.
It’s hard to look past.. or not notice.. still…. radio silence from the one who used to be the closest. Not even a simple text message. Maybe that’s the treatment i need to finally say “Fuck You” and move on completely.
I joked with her early on how she doesn’t come by to take our dog on the weekends… but it gets me thinking “what the fuck??? Would she be this cold if we actually had real human babies?”
And I get it… it can be complicated being Ex-Lovers & maybe it’s not always simple to have an open compassionate relationship regardless of what happens.
I did the best I could.
I wasn’t the perfect man. On my own journey she was under a lot of stress.
There were times where I wasn’t compassionate and let her express herself.
During the end I was losing my way… getting fatter… drifting… frustrated around the ups and downs in business.
We both cheated each other in ways.
She was caught in the transition of everything shifting and changing in our lives. Many things that she didn’t fully want to sign up for. Maybe it just wasn’t her time to have this big awakening journey I embarked on.
She wanted things back like the way they were.
Working a 9-5…
Getting the house with the white picket fence…
Yet I’ve listened to her soul speak as well… as her eyes would light up when she said she wanted to travel the world, start a food blog and experience what the world had to offer… be completely free.
Her highest value is freedom just like mine.
Perhaps she felt cheated.. I wanted her to go on the retreats with me. I wanted her to meet my friends around the world but she was never all in on it and stayed in her comfort zone.
Maybe she felt cheated.. even though she made the decision not to go to Cancun… or the Grand Canyon… or LA with me….
I was living life when she was at home.
Maybe her affair was her soul yearning for her own adventure… the adventure she never gave to herself.
All I know is…
If I keep letting this relationship take me back…
If I keep letting this damn thing be in the front of my mind instead of leaving it in the past, I will miss out on the blessings that are coming my way right now.
2018 is the year where it’s work well payed off.
I’ll be living the dream that we both wanted to manifest… at least deep down.
I always thought it would have been cool to be doing a live stream on a beach somewhere a year from now talking about the journey we have been through, and celebrating what we have overcome.
I’m grateful for the break up… wherever it leads.
weeks after our split I shredded 15 pounds pretty quickly as I ate more cleanly.
I shifted back into alignment. No more stress eating.
I would meet up new friends who would appreciate and be excited about my life… amazed about qualities I’ve had that I haven’t heard been appreciated in a long time… which is understandable some things are taken for granted in a long term relationship.
I started calling in clients effortlessly and easily. Taking life by the reigns…
Financial Miracles in both clients coming in and receiving random things for free.
I looked back into my life… realizing what i truly wanted.
It was always in the back of my mind… “If my relationship ever ended I would travel the world and immediately move out west”
Soon I’ll be moving out with just a backpack, a car and maybe Katie’s crate that she never used. And I will be embarking my journey that’s been dreamed about for a long time.
Vegas is what most excites me right now.. Not necessarily the strip itself but the weather, the places to hike, every home over there has a nice fenced in space for Katie with a swimming pool. Sounds perfect for my first destination.
Baltimore will always be home of some sort… Maybe it’ll be something I’ll return to time and time again.
With my mom passing my Dad is living in an empty house with a dog as well. I’d definitely like to give him company in between journeys.
2017 has been a year where everything I was knew has dissolved… going into 2018 I’m still seeing the tail end of it… but it’s more like the light at the end of the tunnel.
Many people check in on me and ask how I’m doing.
From when I first announced the break up.
to When I said the my mom has passed….
And I appreciate the love so much. It’s really amazing how many people are rooting for me and supporting me. I am so blessed and grateful for all Love <3
Well I’ve been to hell and back. I’m feeling solid right now because… it feels like I got to the light at the end of the tunnel.
The Break Up was hell… but when the break up did happen I breathed a huge sigh of relief that I didn’t have to constantly question my own sanity.
As for my former relationship.. it’s burning in the ashes. No longer do I desire to try to rebuild it or put the shit back together.
I’ll never close my heart or shut her out completely – I’ll always be respectful. But I need to be solid on my boundaries.
I’m glad that it never has resorted to name calling or intentfully tearing each other down
We have 6+ years of flow and bliss… maybe not a perfect 6 years but I felt we had a great foundation. And 3 Months last Summer of fucking hell and turmoil.
I threw all the memories away for my own sanity. I need to cut the cord on this. This old relationship. Mostly gifts I gave her over time that she purposely left at the house.
True Love is freedom. I’m not seeking to make her an enemy of any kind.. but I do seek the bliss of being completely unattached. Writing this all out I feel will help a lot.
Can I forgive her? absolutely
And I love the idea of meeting new women right now. Starting new relationships. We’re both young and get to explore what the world has to offer.
It will never be on some “Fuck My Ex” type shit where I hold onto resentment. I chose her for a reason and we had amazing experiences together.
We grew apart.
When you look at it all… we grew apart. And the hurt & betrayal on both ends comes from both of us not wanting to let go. Because what we had was good.. it just doesn’t work like it used to anymore. That’s life.
So my plan before I journaled out my experiences on here was to really share how I got over the break up and moved into a life of freedom.
I’ll still navigating through that.
What really helped me stay on course through all of this is….
Exercising every day – non negotiable
Journaling my thoughts every day – non negotiable
Shifting all of my current pain into gratitude.
For Instance –
“Even though I’m experiencing sadness because I lost a relationship I am not grateful I am moving further into alignment and freedom … I’m glad that this transition is giving me the life I always wanted”
“Even though I’m sad that my mom has passed away and I’ll never get to see her again… I am grateful that she’s closer in spirit and she’s experiencing more peace than she has had in decades”
Because sure… we’ve all been conditioned to see these things in our lives as negative or failures.
But it’s also the transition period where I’ll be living this more blissful life of truly being in alignment.
Everything that dissolves in your life is making you more free. It’s opening up opportunity for something great to happen by you.
Embrace it all…. darkness becomes light.
Breakdowns become Breakthroughs.
There are no mistakes.
The Spiritual SmartAss