“Relationship never dies a natural death…They are murdered by Ego, Attitude and Ignorance…” – Unknown
I see it all the time, working with my clients…Couples who have been together for a while suddenly find themselves disconnected and distant from each other. Fights, arguments and bickering happen left, right and center. Tension escalates and sex/intimacy falls off the wagon. ‘Soulmates’ become ‘Roommates’ and their relationship is on the brink of breakups/divorce.
Most couples have no idea what happened to their relationships and before they know it, they end up in separation bedrooms feeling resentful, angry and frustrated at each other.
I’ve been there and I gotta tell you, it was not fun at all. I experienced a huge amount of frustration, anger, resentment and grief during that rocky time in my relationship. I’ve been there, done that…and lucky for us, we never had to go through breakups/divorce.
So what’s changed for us?
First of all, we had to sit in our truths that things weren’t going so well. And instead of suppressing these issues, we faced them head on. Being honest and truthful about where things are is one of the first steps to move forward. You can’t solve the problem without first admitting there is a problem. We seek help. Instead of just asking for advices from friends and family, we quickly realized that we need someone who is unbiased and is an expert in what they do. So we invest in ourselves and in our relationship. This is one of the reasons why I’m so passionate about what I do
Today, I want to share with you the number 1 reason why most couples don’t make it in their marriage or relationship and what you can do to avoid making these mistakes. There are 3 stages of relationship and unfortunately, most relationships are not built to survive through all the 3 stages.
Stage 1: Honeymoon Period (Wild Passion)
That’s when everything our partner does is seen as perfect, is cute or adorable. We focus on the positive qualities of our partner and ignore the negative ones. We tolerate more of the flaws, mistakes and actions that often irritate us.
This is because our body is creating some very potent chemicals that are influencing our brains. With these love hormones and neurotransmitters surging through our bodies, we don’t feel the need to eat, we don’t need to sleep, we want sex all the time. Literally, we are drugged into a euphoric, elated, exhilarated state. In Imago, we call romantic love “nature’s anestheisia.”
Eventually we build a tolerance to the drugs flooding our system. It usually takes 3 months to 2 years (if you’re really “lucky”), and as it wears down we are left in the second stage of relationship.
Stage 2: The Power Struggle Stage (Disappointment and Reckoning or The 7 Year Itch)
Now we begin to see who we’re really with. And we begin to see those negative qualities in our partner that we previously ignored or didn’t care about.
When the magic fades, disappointments may appear and resentments grow. The partner you once found exciting now may seem boring. Habits that you thought were sweet now drive you up the wall. Maybe your partner has gained weight and doesn’t look sexy anymore. Or, he never got that promotion at work and is not making enough money to support the family in the style you expected. How satisfying is your sex life? Have parenting obligations begun to push you apart?
At this point, many couples can’t handle what they’ve gotten themselves into and they break up. Others just white-knuckle it and hope it will improve. Those that break up, generally will find themselves attracted to someone who shares many common characteristics with their previous relationship(s).
There is a reason why 50% of marriages end in divorce & this has not taken into consideration the amount of unhappy and unfulfilling relationships.
Statistics also show that 60% of second marriages don’t work out and 70% of third marriages also fail.
This stage is natural for any relationship to go through. Conflict is supposed to happen. It gives us an opportunity to deal with our childhood issues and wounds. But for most couples, they don’t realise that they have to work through these emotional issues within themselves, and they often think it’s their partner. So even if they leave the relationship and move to the next, they keep dragging ALL the emotional issues and patterns with them.
Remember: You are the common denominator in ALL of our relationships, nothing will change unless YOU change.
Stage 3: Long Lasting Love (‘Growing Old’ or ‘Deepening and Flowing’) Couples who have passed through stage 2 will proceed to develop an amazing level of trust, loyalty, commitment, understanding, growth, support and love. Here, couples are more at peace with one another. They are clear about what they want, how to ask for it, and how to be there for your partner as well as yourself..
And the passion can be even deeper, richer than the honeymoon phase!
Unfortunately, this is a very rare for couples to experience. Not that it’s impossible but many couples never pass through the second stage to experience the long lasting love they deeply desire. Many give up because they don’t realise that stage 2 is inevitable and that it requires them to work on themselves. Going from one relationship to another does not make the REAL problems/issues go away because you’ll carry these issues anywhere you go. So the ONLY way to experience the TRUE LOVE you desire is to work on yourself and your relationship NOW.
I am having 5 spots opening up in my calendar in the month of December and I would love to help support you and your relationship. So if you feel like you are called to step up and work through your past emotional issues and your relationship, make sure you fill in the application here: http://bit.ly/transformmyrelationship to see if you qualify for a FREE “Supercharge my life & relationship” (valued at $300).
*Note: only serious applicants will be considered.
Author, Speaker, Transformational Dating & Relationship Coach,
NLP Practitioner and Level 2 Meta Dynamics Consultant
Jane Nguyen empowers strong, independent & powerful women to create the best relationship of their lives. Her clients come from all walks of life, whether it’s about re-inventing themselves after a nasty relationship breakup, wanting to attract a more
conscious and loving man into their lives; or wanting to save their relationship from the brink of break up or divorce. Jane is the ‘go-to girl’ for people who want to experience transformational change in theirrelationships.
Jane comes from a background of a 6-year abusive relationship (both physically & emotionally). After leaving that relationship, Jane devoted many years of her life in the space of personal development to find out the key ingredients to create a successful relationship. Using her signature “Feminine Power”coaching method in her programs, workshops and retreats, Jane teaches women how to tap more into their Feminine essence and shine from the inside out, to attract a man and a relationship that allowsthemto be all thatthey can be.
Jane is an author of the book “Honeymoon Forever” which is available at 40 bookstores Australia wide including Dymocks, Collins, Booktopia etc. She is also a contributing author of 3 other inspiring books that arm people with the skills and knowledge to be the best version of themselves before theywalk into relationships.