Whether you’ve been in your relationship for a year or for 50 years, you’ve probably at one point or another, experienced a low libido, decreased desire or even a dry spell in the bedroom. Human arousal is a fragile thing that ebbs and flows, regardless of how much we want to have hot sex every day. And it doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is in trouble or that your sex life is doomed.
What it does mean, however, is that you might need to address what is happening in your life and take constructive steps towards re-connecting sexually. Keeping the fire of passion alive and well takes time and effort, however, most couples don’t know where to begin. This doesn’t need to be a difficult or daunting task! So if you wonder what to do when you start noticing a dry spell in your bedroom, here are my top 5 tried and tested steps to move through it.
1/ Talk about it
Ignoring an issue usually doesn’t lead anywhere. Addressing it in a loving, compassionate and constructive conversation is the first step towards bringing back the spark and sizzle into your bedroom. It’s also crucial to understanding what’s actually going on for both of you and why your relationship ended up in a dry spell.
There can be a lot of reasons for a reduced sexual connection and some of them can be extremely easy to fix while others might require more time and effort. Some common issues that drive lovers away from the intimate play are stress, fatigue, overwhelm, resentment, lack of trust or trauma.
Asking each other: “What do you need in order to feel a desire for sex and intimacy in this relationship again?” can uncover some key aspects of the dry spell.
2/ Bring back sensuality
Being gentle and non-demanding with each other can really help. Sex works best when both people feel relaxed, safe and loved. Requesting of each other a sexual connection puts pressure on us and makes us less willing to be intimate.
Introducing some sensuality first is a much softer, safer way to connect. Giving each other a loving massage or holding each other in a gentle embrace can be wonderful ways to invite pleasure and a heart connection. Don’t pressure yourself or your partner to have sex. Simply create a loving invitation through touch, eye-gaze and loving attention.
Don’t get discouraged if intercourse doesn’t necessarily follow. Treat your intimacy like a gorgeous, delicate flower – it will bloom when it’s ready!
3/ Get inspired
Reading some erotica together, watching a sexy movie or bringing a new sex toy home can be a great way to remind each other about your own sexual nature. In the world of overload and never-ending to-do lists, a gentle nudge might be all that is needed to create some space in our busy schedules and to prioritize our need for sexual fun!
4/ Schedule a play date
Spontaneity is great but not very reliable. Let go of the idea that sex should always be spontaneous and schedule a connection time with your partner. And if it has been a while since the last time you had sex, make it a bit more special. Bring candles, incense sticks and sensual music. Turn your bedroom into a temple of love or even run a bubble bath for both of you. Treating your partner to a royal evening of relaxation, pleasure and fun can be just the thing needed to break the dry spell!
5/ Re-evaluate
If you’ve talked about where you’re at as lovers, you’ve tried a few things to bring the spark back and you’re still not seeing any results, it’s time to re-evaluate. The issue your relationship is facing might be more serious than you realized. If there are deeper, more intense emotions at play, if there’s hurt, lack of trust or even trauma, your relationship might need an outside help.
Reaching out to a couples’ therapist, sex coach or any other practitioner that both of you resonate with might be a much-needed next step. Sex and intimacy are essential parts of any romantic relationship and their lack can be indicative of deeper issues that need addressing.
It’s all about finding the right balance in your relationship. Take your issues seriously but don’t worry yourself sick about a temporary lack of intercourse. It’s not the end of the world and the situation might only need a few little tweaks to bring you both back on course.
A lot of couples ask me whether they’re alone in their experiences or whether other people go through similar things. If that’s what you’re wondering as well, please rest assured that yes, all couples go through it all – arguments, issues and even dry spells in the bedroom.
As a society, we have certain expectations regarding our relationships and our sex lives. We want everlasting love, a lifelong commitment and a true passion in the bedroom. And we still struggle to fully understand our sexuality and to recognize what is normal, healthy or desired in the bedroom.
Whatever you’re going through, embrace it and talk to your partner about what’s needed. And if you’re both unsure, schedule a sex coaching session. The sooner you address the dry spell, the sooner your sex life will be back on track!

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Helena Nista is one of Australia’s leading sexperts and Tantra teachers. She is a mentor, author, speaker and lover. She is a certified sex therapist and Tantra practitioner. She is passionate about helping her clients overcome any sexual difficulties, become amazing lovers and create great sex lives.
Helena works with men, women and couples who want to improve their sex lives. She empowers people to experience sex as natural, healthy and utterly beautiful.
Learn more about Helena here: https://helenanista.com/